Things Women Will Never Understand About Men!

One thing that I have accepted in my life is that I have to live with the 'feminist' tag for the rest of my life, even though I am not one! This is not a feminist post.... I am not trying to bash men or make fun of them. I'm just trying to ask them to please explain some of their quirks! You can use the comment section for it. 

In my earlier post, I have mentioned a lot about train travel. Now, one thing that I have noticed on railway platforms is that the men's loo is always right where the ladies coach is supposed to halt!! I've confirmed it for Andheri, Dadar and Elphinstone stations! And trust me, you can't cross these stations without covering your nose, even if you're in the train. I really feel bad for women who have to board trains from these platforms!! Now, what I don't understand about men is that why do their loo have to stink so much! And it is not only at the Railway stations... I've noticed it at a lot of other places as well! So men, what are you doing inside? Target practice? If, yes, then you need a lot more practice to improve your aim!!! And no cracking jokes on how you can pee anywhere while on a road trip!! We know that the world is your loo, and we also stay in that world, so please make it beautiful for us! We make your world beautiful by wearing short and revelaing clothes right, so you too, please do the needful and stop peeing around! Please, don't ever wear revealing clothes.. we're not interested in seeing your Kalvin Clean undies!! And you thought we had a problem only with you not putting the toilet seat down!

After two aborted and unsuccessful attempts at learning how to drive a car, I've quit!! I'm now a license holder since the past 3 years who can't drive the car beyond the second gear! I've quit because I can't have my Dad yelling at me at 6 in the morning!! I just simply can't begin my day like that!! You can't even yell back or show your middle finger and walk off like you would do to your husband if you were to learn driving from him! Now, that's what I am planning to do. I can yell back at my husband, hit him, cry, make him sleep on the couch for a week if he yells at me.... and you can't do any of these things with your Dad. So, women, be wise and learn driving after you're married!! And if you're 23 and Gujju, don't cry in front of your Dad...EVER. A person who is mentally prepared to give you away to someone else is not going to melt with tears! You need emotional blackmail of a totally different level to melt that heart! Anyways, life gyaan apart, what I want to understand is why can't men be more PATIENT while teaching a girl how to drive? We are not naturally blessed to learn it as easily as you did. I admit, most women are bad drivers, but you can help create a little less bad driver! Have patience guys, the rewards will be worth it!

Now, one interesting thing that I came across while chatting with a guy friend is that, men don't get scared if they are made to sleep on the couch. So, for all the women reading this, if you have a fight with your husband, don't make him sleep on the couch, because, they love it. They say, by sleeping on the couch, they can watch uninterrupted and unregulated TV all night! {Unregulated was the catch word! Use the parental controls on TV wisely, girls} So, if you want to punish your guy for yelling at you, hide the remote and the hard drive! OMG, I sound so prepared for marriage.... that's what happens when you have one classmate after the other getting married!! Now, I hope my would-be-husband is not reading this blog, or else even he'll come prepared! 

Another thing I really want men to answer is what goes in your mind when women talk to you about our men problems and want a man's perspective on it. I have personally noticed this and still don't know what is on your minds!As part of research for my blog and gyaan on men in general, I tried faking a problem and talking about it. Two of my friends changed the topic thinking I wouldn't notice. One started talking about some SAP project he bagged in office, and when confronted, he confirmed he wasn't listening to me and was lost in his own world. And the last one, listened to the entire problem and spoke exactly the things that a girl needs to hear when she's talking about a guy problem.... just abuse the guy and say how much better you were for him! Maybe the last friend did that because he's my oldest guy friend and experience tells him, there's no option that he has but to listen to my problem and say things that I want to hear! But still, I really want to know what are men thinking when we talk about other men-induced problems to you. While we are at this topic, I have to absolutely narrate this chat to you that I had with another guy friend.

Me : (guy's name) is such an asshole.

Him: Why? What did he do now?

Me: He didn't reply to my message (Yes, it doesn't matter of you're 13 or 23, the he-didn't-call/reply problem continues to haunt our existence!)

Him: Hmm. (wondering in his head : Tell me something new!)

Me: All guys are such assholes yaar!

Him: Don't you think it is women who are experts at picking assholes from the basket. There are non-asshole guys too who never get picked!

Me: Assholes don't come with a 'Asshole Ahead, Tread Carefully' sign on their forehead, then how are we supposed to know who's an asshole and who's not!

I couldn't help but laugh my heart out at this conversation!!And women, it is ok..... Men really don't come with the 'Asshole Ahead, Tread Carefully' sign on their forehead, so it is ok if you pick them. 

So, men, here is the golden chance to tell us women your side of the story! This blog boasts of both male and female audience, so don't miss your opportunity to be heard! And give me valuable data for research! Talk about Occupational Hazards!! 

You Know You've Started Earning When....

You know you've started earning when

1. Your entire life depends on catching the 8.43 Churchgate slow from Andheri
2. You start having your breakfast in train. More imprtantly, you start having breakfast in the first place!
3. You know it's a festival day when you see an empty train!
4. Big festivals become more important to you than your birthday!
5. Your Facebook status updates have a lot of 'train' mentionings! {People, please be considerate when you criticise my train stat-ups....all that a single person can do in trains is tell the world about train travel}
6. Your phone becomes the be all and end all of life. You can make/recieve calls/messages, you can come online, you just can't blog so you start wanting a BlackBerry! {This post has been written as a draft SMS on my phone! So, if you want to read more blogs, please contribute generously to my BlackBerry Fund... read ahead about it}
7. For non bloggers, you start longing for a BlackBerry because now, you can afford it. Ok, whom are we kidding, it's just the freaking peer pressure to get one!!
8. Your Facebook addiction remains the same, just the means on coming online changes!
9. Your daily one-hour phone calls to your BFF is now a 10-minute call on weekends!
10. Your sleep is more dear to you than meeting friends.
11. You have to placate your friends by promising to go on a only-you-and-me date with them because they are upset with you for not having time {Sweta, this one's for you!}
12. You stop wearing red nail-polish, something that was a part of your identity {sob sob}
13. You move on to giving career advice from giving love/life gyaan! And people think you're really smart! Hehaw!!!
14. You know understand why your Dad and uncles paid so much attention to the Financial Budget every year
15. But still, the only thing yhat you are interested in the budget is knowing the tax slabs! And it hurts to pay 10 percentage points more tax than your friends. But you always have other friends who pay 10 percentage points more tax than you, so that's comforting!
16. You've never cared about the money pocketed by politicians until you see your salary with TDS!
17. You still have no clue where your hard earned money goes.... in someone's Swiss account, in making education free for rich OBC/ST/SCs, in making a bridge for 15 years, in redeveloping slums that still look the same, you're as clueless as a child in a topless bar!
18. You get to know aate dal ka bhav!
19. For people who've been reading my story, if you want to read further, please contribute for my BlackBerry fund, because that's the only way I'll be able to write. For people who've been reading, loving, going bonkers over my blog, you also, please do the same. If you guys can spend 200 bucks on mindless entertainment like Dabangg, you can definitely spend 500 bucks for intellectual entertainment from me! I accept only cash. Counterfeit notes not accepted! {I don't want to waste my hard earned salary on a phone, hence the fund!!}
20. The only time you have in a day to read the 52 unread messages you got during the day is on your way back, in train!! {Yes, I have a lot of fan mail...oops, fan messages to reply to!}
21. How much ever you don't like or don't want it to happen, money gets onto your head. A little bit does!!

Wow! So now the lady sitting across me thinks I have a boyfriend because I'm on the phone since I got in. Lady, I'm blogging and that's way cooler than having a boyfriend.... when you have a boyfriend, you have only one fan, but when you blog, you have a lot of fans!!  So, this post is dedicated to you, Miss. Lady Sitting Across Me..... I don't have a boyfriend.... but if you are rich and have a hot 25 year old son, I may be interested! I won't mind a lot of fans + 1!!

Believito Ergo Sum

*My first attempt to imitate Carrie Bradshaw's writing style!!*

People who know me, know one thing about me...that I'm a person who has some really strong opinions in life. If I believe in something, nothing ever will be able to shake my belief in it. I believed in fairytale romance and one broken relationship later, I still do. I still believe that one day there'll be a Prince Charming Edward Cullen coming to sweep me off my feet and give me the fairytale romance that I have always believed in. Life, I think is all about beliefs, hope and faith. In either of God or karma and most importantly, yourself. 

I have seen that as we grow up, we become increasingly scared of things. As kids, we were never scared of running with our laces untied, even though we knew from previous bitter experiences that its outcome was always wounded knees. But as we grow up, one bitter experience scars us for life and we never try it again, calling it imbecile behavior or rather simply put, not learning from previous mistakes! Most people reading this post have studied Probability and you know that events in a person's life are random events and mathematically, the probability of occurrence of no two random events is the same! 

OK, I'll cut the circumlocution and come straight to the point. The point I'm trying to make in this post is that why are we so scared of another relationship after a previous failed one. Why do we get so cynical and negative about life and love? So pessimistic that nothing ever will go right in our lives and not realize it even when Mr. Right is knocking, forget knocking, pounding on our door, waiting for us to break those walls we've built around us to let him in and thaw our frozen heart? Why are we so scared to take a small leap of faith?

The main reason for me writing this post is that I feel so disappointed when I see my friends behave cynically in life. Call it luck or whatever, all, and I mean ALL the people I've ever counselled or come close to have been the biggest cynics and pessimists of the world, and I'm the exact opposite! And if I were to bill them per hour for giving them positivity lectures, I'd be able to buy myself a diamond mine in Africa by now! Why don't you just fucking believe that something good will happen to you? And this is not Rhonda Brynes talking out of The Secret, this is me talking out of years of believing and surviving events that have crushed those beliefs and somehow  coming back to believing again. It's not as difficult as understanding Calculus!

Do you know how vaccines are made and what they're made of? Vaccines are nothing more than a small dosage of the disease causing organism attenuated (weakened) and then given to us so that our body starts making antibodies, in small quantities to fight the organism. So when, there is a real infection where tens of thousands of these microbes attack you at once, your body is well prepared to combat the attack because your body knows exactly how to make the required antibody....it won't then, try permutations and combinations of various types to make the perfect antibody while you're sick and suffering.This is how you survive without even realizing that you're body has already dealt with a high risk organism. A failed relationship/heartbreak is a vaccine preparing you for what could be worse in life. Maybe you'll never catch the infection for which you've been vaccinated for, but if you do, you'll know exactly how to deal with it. You won't spend time and energy trying out permutations and combinations of things then! 

Earlier, I said that life is about beliefs, hope and faith...but I was wrong. Life is about  beliefs, hope, faith and a perspective that'll align the other three in a way that would make sense to you and add a meaning to your life.

P.S : Had written this years back and in the middle of these cheesy and corny lines, I hope you find something that may make you start believing again.

P.P.S : This post is dedicated to Manalee and Rucha ..... You've heard it earlier, but listen to it again, "Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope."