That Geet Wali Feeling....

1. I don't feel like blogging
2. I don't feel like writing my story
3. I feel my blogs have lost whatever 'charm' it had... I can feel the change and trust me, what I'm writing these days is CRAP in bold!
4. My social life has gone to a sub zero level (Like there was any to begin with)
5. I'm not replying to calls/messages/scraps/ comments on my blog because there's nothing I've gotta say to them!
6. My friends have semi-banned me. They don't pick up my calls. (I may not reply to calls, but I do make new ones!)
7. I'm doing whatever work I'm given at home (my parents are happily surprised!)
8. I don't come online much these days
9. I'm suffering from a reader's block
10. I've started caring and thinking about what people think of me...something I've always given a fuck about.
11. I'm listening to songs at full volume on my iPod.....just so that I don't have to listen to my inner vioces or any other voices... and now, I'm 69% deaf from my intial 33% deafness levels.
12. I don't know why I'm writing this and worse still, why you're STILL reading this.
    

I exactly feel like what Geet said in Jab We Met.... which was something like "ek ajeeb sa darr lag raha tha.... bechaini si, jaise kuch galat ho raha hain, jaise koi train chut rahi hain" Precisely what I'm feeling these days. And it hurts my ego to discuss my problems with people... I just like to take my 'time offs' and sort them on my own..... I hope people can put up with me.... if you can, I promise to be back soon, in my normal loquacious self. Till then, Auf Wiedersehen.

LOST

There's something seriously wrong with me....  No one needs to tell that to me, I can feel it. I haven't had a chocolate since early Feb...still no craving for one...I don't feel like eating one..... not even snatching one from someone.... It's been 4 months since cocoa has gone in my system! What's wrong with me!?! I have stopped talking! WTF! Even a 4 hour hang out with my school best friends....talking about guys (guy problems, to be precise)...and I'm all mute... that's definitely not me.... people are known to wanting to gag me for talking too much, and I sit there....all MUTE? I know, I haven't been coming online, returning calls and messages, let alone make some fresh ones...So sorry to everyone who's been hit by my abnormal behaviour. I really don't know what it is. I actually, don't even want to know. 

 

It's just that I'm feeling too incomplete....too restless. And I'm a content person.... restlessness doesn't go with me just like how love and rationality don't go down together. Incomplete.... just like BSB's song Incomplete....which had been on repeat for 3 months on my WMP in 2006 when life was more or less like how it is right now.... The worst part is that I know how life can be complete  once again.... but I don't it to be complete.... not unless it's perfect. I know, there doesn't exist a perfect in this universe, unless it's maths or physics of course, but I want something that tends to perfectness... it's just 4 conditions to be perfect for me. This ain't asking for too much, is it?

 

Two paragraphs already written making no sense at all. And I don't really care. Sorry, to have bothered you to read this piece of crap! You can go ahead to do things more constructive than reading about someone who's lost herself somewhere!!  

 

P.S: Read the second chapter of my story here.

Of Marriages and No Marriages!!

Now one thing a girl can do after 20 and a dozen or more rejections from B-schools or any PG courses that a guy can't do is.... GET MARRIED! Yeah, finally, nature is positively biased towards us girls! No, I haven't been rejected by a dozen B-schools.... itni bhi mand nahi hoon yaar! But, I've had enough of studying! Since that fateful day when I fought with Mom to take Science (Mom, a science double-grad herself begged and begged me to take Commerce...but those were the days when you considered Commerce people as 'lesser mortals' only to switch fields after 5 years !!) I don't really remember having a vacation to myself... except the one in FY....but that was in 2007!! Every vacation, my other friends think of where to go out and holiday... and I think about which new classes to join....every vacation!(This vacation...its Taekwondo.... gotta fight for yourself and stand up for yourself.... don't expect people to do it for you!) So this year, finally after screwing up almost everything....TY...MBA... everything, I decided that the best thing would be to get married! 

P.S:  If my kid (son, if) pick up books....he's gonna have it....he'll have to pick up the bat and sweat it out in the sun....and beat Aanchal's son in getting the jersey no 11!! Aanch, you still game right? You dare name your kid Ayaan!

Its just so frustrating having slogged your ass off to get where you are, still you are nowhere! And this bloody f**king recession has to hit mankind only when you are passing out.... Firstly the wonderful BSc degree, secondly B-schools expect work-ex from you and thirdly recession...how on Earth are you gonna have a job?? So in this scenario, the best thing would be to get up and tell your parents...okay, fine... I'm a graduate (hopefully...please God, get me passed..please... or I'll be known as an HSC pass all my life....and my kids will mock at me.... what if someone writes on their hand "Tumhari maa sirf 12vi pass hain"??!)...so now, I don't really have much to do in life...so find a good, handsome, rich guy and get me married...!! Even they'll dance in joy finally being able to get rid of you!

I've been talking to a lot of people who have developed this get-me-married-off-for-mental-peace thing...and all of them seem to be somehow excited by the institution of marriage! Because they've been to their cousins' weddings and have had a little more than a crush on their jiju's brother/best friend/any random from the baraat....or they're plain frustrated with life... or maybe because they've become so attention starved due to all the attention going to recession/terrorism/elections/Slumdog Millionaire these days that this is the only way to get noticed!! Well, I fall into the second category, if you were wondering!

Ok, fine, jokes apart... I'm not getting married! Neither do I want to... not right now...maybe after 4 years... that's the max time I can get (bloody Gujju systems). I had just gotten acclimatised with the wonderful I'll-too-get-married-one-day feelings and bang... new twist in tale.... again, I've gone back to my -urrghhhh-I-don't - wanna get married stance! First reason was that I saw the episode of Balika Vadhu where Sugna's husband comes a dead body for her wedding and she's totally distraught by it. Man! I don't really watch these soaps.. but was watching it because I was feeling too lazy to change the channel (hey, all you engineers, can't you invent a remote where channels change the moment we think about changing the channel in our head??)and I must say, I had tears in my eyes in that one episode...it was really sad. And I also told one of my friends..what if my husband dies like this?? Yeah...I got a lot of Stop-watching-soaps lectures for this dialogue of mine!! But trust me the thought of it is creepy...! I mean, all your life, you wait for that one person...that one day...it comes to you...but DEAD! Gosh! 

I know, I seriously need rehab!

The second reason was Arshat's blogpost... on daughters getting married! I mean not fair yaar!!! You made me change my mind about getting married....ever!!

Another reason you don't feel like getting married is because you've come face to face with the worst characteristics of guys.... their huge... Petrona's Tower sized EGO! I mean WTF! Done nothing worthwhile in life...but have ego like you're Obama! But good, you learn things before it's too late.... Sometimes even 10 minutes is too much to ask for...so much for EGO...I say.... go f**k your ego... it'll be good for you! Again, Arshat had said in one of his posts... Like every other guy...he blamed her...and like every girl in love...she took all the blame...! So true!! Girls have a tremendous limit to endure things...but why do guys stretch it to the limit...and then after 6 months, come begging for forgiveness?!? Have they never taken Shakespeare seriously.... Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned? Guess, now they should.

Anyways, I got a very good observation from a friend, who too, like me wants/wanted to get married asap! .... Girls make such a fuss about leaving their homes and getting married to a guy... think about the guy...having to take such a huge responsibility of a whole woman..at an age...where they're not even responsible for their towel!! LMAO! Aanch, how does it feel finally having me using your creations?!??

Ah! So after 30 mins of mindless typing, I realize I've written anything but coherent, sensible stuff...so don't really read unless you're jobless and have nothing to do(in that case...can you please finish off making chits for me to take to the exam hall?) or are plain frustrated having antigens and antibodies/drosophila/restriction endonucleases/genetics ruling your life, read on!. If you've read it, have a heart and comment!

P.S:  I'm NOT getting married before I'm 24....that's a cool 4 years from now.

P.S 2:  Listen to Aankhon hi Aankhon from the movie EMI. Mohit Chauhan has never been better!!

" Bas Yeh Tamanna Hai Dil Jo Apna Hai, Usko Mil Jao Tum .... 

Ab Na Khayalon Mein, Na Sawalon Mein, Bas Baahon Mein Aao Tum.." 

Wow!

P.S 3: Some problems, seriously, don't end with teen-age...as speculated...they only get

aggravated!!

P.S 4: Aanchal... last warning....stop falling in love with the guys I like..!! Kisiko toh mere liye chod...! Leave RK, IK and all others right now!

P.S 5: watch this movie: P.S. I Love You.... it's a nice movie..! And also Top Gun... Tom Cruise... 22 years back... that too in an unifrom..!! Couldn't get hotter!

P.S 6: Just wanted to match Delhi-6... !! Sorry...lame effort at cracking a joke!

Beneath The 1000 Feet Of Shit Under Earth....

This feels like shit! Seriously.... I kinda agree when Ross said that beneath Earth, there's 10 feet of shit.... and beneath that... there's HIM! But I say... beneath Earth.... there's 1000 feet of shit... and then there are other losers who feel they're there... and then there's ME!!

It's just exasperating being frustrated with something and not knowing what exactly is troubling you. I dunno if it's the late reaction to my IIFT paper... which I was really looking forward to because it had a fatte campus... the fees were reasonable.... it was outta Mumbai.... and most importantly it's one of the best B-schools in India. Even my friends who tried to dissuade me by saying that Delhi is not as women-friendly as Mumbai, couldn't succeed...because I wanted to go there meant that I wasn't gonna listen to anyone once I had made my mind. And then missing it by 1 mark hurts(Acc to estimated result by TIME).... and it hurts like hell. Only if I had solved one more LA question... I would've been through.Damn! So this is the 8th institute where I won't get in!!

Now, I'm giving SNAP.... but why am I giving it? I dunno why.... but I normally have a vibe about things....and most often than not... it turns true.... and I'm not feeling too positive about SNAP... I don't know if I'm thinking too high of myself, but if SNAP institutes are the only ones I get... I'll take a drop. I don't want SNAP....! NMIMS....I've been brain-washed to accept NMIMS! I can't stay in that one gully any further.... 5 years and I'm sick of it!!! I really want SPJAIN..... but then...they don't want me! So it boils down to the fact that..... wherever I want to go.... I'm not allowed..... and all the places where I might stand a chance.... I don't want to go there!!! Gosh!It's like what Akshay Kumar said in Garam Masala : Jise hum chahte hain...woh hume nahi chahte.... aur jo hume chahta hain....use kaun chahta hain??? I'm thinking of dropping this MBA idea altogether!! Maybe... I'll ask one of my *aunties* to find an NRI for me... and get married...that'll be simpler.... atleast I won't have to write an exam there! Serving chai and all.... well.... we can always go to CCD right?!?!

And the worst of it all is the fact that I can't really speak it out. I've braved situations far worse than this ...by just speaking out things to someone.... to me...it's panacea... it can cure anything that happens to me... but somehow this frustration just doesn't come out. I try to tell Mom ...but she just doesn't get why I'm not just studying for my TY which is far more important(this is the first and final attempt there!). Can't discuss it with people who've given these exams because they don't want to check their results.... can't discuss it with people who've not given these exams because it's all Greek and Latin to them! So I gotta get it out here!!!

TY is acting like such a bitch(The teachers and the journal are only increasing the nightmare)! I don't know how I'm gonna study an entire year's portion in 2 months.... amidst preparing for GD-PI and CET. Yeah ...got some hope in CET.... but that is washed off as well.... got my Univ. Practical exam worth 200 marks during the CET weekend... so in short it's gonna be RIP Nupur in Feb. Guess, I'll have to find a means of livelihood in blogging.... guess that's something I've been doing since the past 9 months and surprisingly I'm not bored of it as yet...which is a first time of sorts with me!!

The only silver lining I can see these days is well the fact that I've fallen in love again.... SACHIN PILOT. Don't know him?? Gosh! He was the only reason I followed the 2004 Lok Sabha elections like I followed Mohali in IPL!! Well, for the uninitiated, in 2004, he was youngest MP. And he's not like 'politicians'. He's educated and all..... St.Stephen's, Delhi.... IMT, Ghaziabad (I wanted to go here as well, but mom gave me a look I expected her to give me if I had said I wanted to go to cover the Iraq war!), and....... WHARTON School Of Business!!!!!! I mean WHARTON!!! Gosh! And he looks fabbbuuuullloouuuss!!! So, now, you may ask how this long lost love was ignited again... it was just that I was telling Aanch how hindi-filmish his marriage was(more on it later....people who haven't seen his Rendezvous with Simi Garewal on 28 May, 2006 may find it interesting) and I thought of you-tubing the episode....but no one except me has seen this episode I guess...for it wasn't there anywhere on net!! And sadly...like all guys I like.... he's committed too!!! Sheh!! But still, chalega....mujhe kahan shaadi karni hain isse!! Anyone else from Wharton reading this may do!

P.S: One more depressing news for you... I'm on my way of writing Dostana spoof.... Mentioned it here just to mentally prepare you guys!

To Be Or Not To Be...... A Bitch!!

The best thing about being a bitch is the instant gratification you get. Those 'do pal' of happiness! Ah! Bliss!! It's just human tendency.... to be sadist. It's not that I'm a bitch or being a bitch comes naturally to me.... it took 3 years for me to show the first signs of bitchgiri! It just boils down to the thing that sometimes in life... you really need to be mean so that people realize what they had been doing was wrong... and it hurts even though people might just take it all without a word!!

The thing about friends....even close friends(some) is the short-term memory they possess in certain things...comes mostly after they get "hooked".... or rather, again the human tendency to forget things... favours in fact... and being the real life incarnation of Tulsi that you are... you won't even remind them! And that "favour" will be buried along with your grave!!

People call me Tulsi, for the superhuman qualities I exhibit... like... always acting like Tulsi, matlab... always being there for friends, even if that means keeping your book aside one day before your finals, fighting with others for them... or asking your friend to go ahead with someone else.... when all you wanted was.... well..hmm...him! It's not that I'm a-forever-seeking-thank-you kinda person, neither do I want people to go around town singing my praises... all I want from them is to just REMEMBER me..... even after your ship has started sailing smoothly... because in a way I was the compass who showed you the direction when all you could see was mist....just remember me.... that would be more than anything I can ask for.... just about 5 minutes a month...to call up and ask... How are you...? And not just call up birthday to birthday...

I never spoke a word for 3 years.... yesterday I did. I acted like a bitch. Purposely. Though it felt good in a way, that at least now people have taken notice of what I had been doing since 3 years... people realize things when monotony is broken. But then I was feeling miserable from inside for I was being someone I was not. I didn't wish for a mere semester exam and people feel bad.... forgetting the fact that they never remembered that they never wished me for CAT... the biggest day of my life....even though they had been right there....with me when I bought the form!! Short term memory... How do you still remember me in that short term memory then?? I should be a vague idea too... a mere name on your phone list... or Orkut friend list...I had no option.... but to be callous....My friends rejoiced but I was quiet... I'm not a bitch and can't be one....and now I've taken a decision which has come after a lot of contemplation.... I'm who I am... I'm not being a bitch even if its to make someone realize something. I care a fuck if people forget.... maybe they didn't deserve it. I'm happy being superhuman!! Atleast I know I won't have competition out there.... not many like me! *wink wink*

P.S1: I got a wonderful idea what to tell my GD-PI panel if they ask me the infamous WHY-MBA question... I'll say... I wanna earn lots of money and then give a part of it for research to my Biotech and Pharmacy friends so that they can find a molecule that can cure common cold.... fuck all the viral mutation shit!! Afterall.... superhumans do fall sick!!!!

P.S 2: Akshay.... Tulsi's become Mandira now.... finally...!!

P.S3: My iPod's playing You're Still The One (again????!?)..... I'm throwing the damned thing.... anyone wanting to catch it?? Why not play Chup Chup ke... and Addicted too.... like a nail in the coffin?? What say Mr. iPod??

Where's the Real ME??

Trust me, I really feel that Hamlet must've been a Libran! For no one apart from Librans can be as indecisive and confused in life. My friends would agree on this one, of course due to the 'WHAT??' expression on my face, every time something happens!! How have I become so indecisive in life is something I really don't know... I never was in the earlier part of my life. Indecisive, emotionally dependent on people, always needing a Yes-go-ahead-whatever-you're-doing-is-right speech from my 'circle of best friends' , ready to cry at the drop of the hat, very gullible.. how!?! What have I become??

I was speaking to one of my school friends after a really long time.... and one observation she marked in me sent me into my now world famous thinking bouts. She said: What's wrong with you dame.... where's the firebrand Phoolan Devi of yore?? Where's the spark, the chutzpah, the Don't-mess-with-me-or-I'll-kick-you-where-it-hurts-the-most attitude gone?? And what's with the tears girl?? Nupur's lost somewhere... Go find her...

Actually.... where has the Nupur gone...?? I never was like how I'm today... people are getting 440 volts ka jhatka every time they hear me....looking at the person I've become today.... I was never so confused in life...always made decisions in split seconds, even if they were about which clothes to shop for.... that is when I went shopping.... an event which was as frequent as a Hailey's Comet spotting. Now, that's changed too... I beg Mom to take me shopping.... and give my I'm-confused-what-to-buy looks. My Mom's relieved though.... you're finally showing some girl like traits, she says!! And she's relieved for one more thing....my love for cricket has subsided!!! But that's just until Irfan's out of the team...!!

I don't give it back to people these days. Every one's at their liberty to come and say whatever they please to me, and I assure you, I'll listen to it without any hint of protest or retorting back with my sarcasms, which actually marked my identity once upon a time.... Just yesterday I had another friend who said: Why don't you just tell the person who hurt you, what she did...
But I won't listen... Am on my "Tulsi Mission" na... of seeing this world as a better place and making every one's life worth living apart from mine!!

At Hetvi's party (read the next post for more on it!!) Aanchal remarked: "Nupur don't lose yourself to be one amongst others.... This is not the Nupur I know". Now it was just a casual comment, but it summed up pretty much everything.... the person who has the capability of reading my silence marked a change in me .... There must be something..... I know there's something... I always wanted to TRY things in life..... I tried them and saw what a disaster I made of myself and how I successfully screwed up somebody else's freedom on Independence Day... Maybe I'm not meant for them... Maybe I'm suited to be just a sweet, docile, typically Indian (read: shy, parents and God fearing, sundar ,susheel etc etc)girl. And I've realised I'm the best when I'm like that... I'm loved like this and I'll always stay like this.... the bold, don't-care-about-anyone girl is not me....I'll never go anywhere near that... I promise... I've learnt a lesson, and will remember it even after I get Alzheimer's....
Aanch, in the next party, you'll have company.... we'll get high on coke...don't worry!!!

And for the first time without consulting my 'circle of best friends' for advice, I've made a decision for myself.... I'm going to go back to my old days.... the days when I never cried for anyone, when I answered back people,when I wasn't emotionally dependent on others, when I made myown decisions, when no one dared mess with me, when I had a different spark to me, a different live wire personality.... I'm going to my old days..... After all, one of the people from my "circle of best friends" did say: It's your life... it's YOUR WISH..... (Who said only love hurts.... indifference hurts more than love, more so when it's indifference from your love !!!)

All I'm asking for is ... a bit of patience... and a li'l amount of Happiness....

Disclaimer: This post was written in an utter state of exasperation.... while I was sitting on the roof of my 5th floor terrace, with a knife on my right side, cyanide tablets on my left and a rope around my neck...so please pardon me for the ensuing post. It was before I felt the endorphin rush(in one of my earlier post I had mentioned serotonin as a feel good hormone, but some amount of laziness shedding and googling yielded that its endorphin release that makes you feel good and not serotonin...sorry for misguiding) This post bears no resemblance to living or dead or brain dead( which most of us are)

24 hours... 24 hours in a day.... 86400 seconds in a day.... everybody has the same amount of time, but I wonder where does all of it go when you actually need just 5 minutes of patient listening from someone? Is that asking for too much? 5 minutes... well maybe, our's is such a fast paced life... after all.

There are times when you genuinely don't feel like talking, presumably because there's not much to talk about... but still, people aren't patient enough to understand the lack of a "reason" for this sudden maunvrat. There are so many thought processes going on in one's mind and the person doesn't wish to talk because of/about them, not because the person's world has turned upside down and he/she is on the verge of a nervous breakdown that's causing the silence, just because the person just wants some inner peace of mind. Well, sometimes, silence, indeed is golden, even for a blabbermouth me. (No offences meant, to whomsoever)

3 years and everyone around me is losing patience... and for this in a way I don't blame them... it was very juvenile of me not to let go of certain things and keep harping upon it on every opportunity. But then, in the other way that I may blame them is without a bit of patience from them its really difficult to give up something that borders on obsession, if I may call it, though its as hard as a chappati made by me a term,( 'obsession' that is.) I will be indebted to all the people who've stood behind me, with me, ahead of me, besides me till death for doing so.... just give me a li'l more amount of patience and time... I'll be a different ME. (I won't stop talking and making you read my blogs at gunpoint though, if that's what you've assumed as the DIFFERENT ME change). I'm on my way to semi-nirvana, just some more time!

There's a point I want to prove to everyone yet no one... I, female, can drive... if not better than, then at least as good as my male counterparts. There's no sword hanging over my head to do so, neither am I the only one in my family who can drive.... but its the sense of independence that I can feel when I'm in front of the wheel that's making me want to desperately drive, and drive well at that. All I'm asking is for a bit of patience.... from everyone... I'm still learning... the car I drive is different from the one I drove in driving school... I need time to acclimatise.... I need patience, I need a you-can-do-it-its-just-a-matter-of-practise speech every time I'm unable to start the car from the second gear. After all I'm trying to master something that comes as naturally to girls as dressing up for an hour in front of the mirror comes to guys. The latter would require patience too na, for you to do it guys... and I'm not even talking about mastering the trait!!

Why is it that if you're in your graduation year and happen to go to a wedding (obviously decked up an all.... your mom won't allow it otherwise... especially if you're one of the girl species who spends a total of just 5 nanoseconds in front of the mirror..like me) the only question you're asked is.... so when are the wedding bells gonna ring for you and you're next in line....by aunties who care about me as much as my kaamwali does about about Osama's whereabouts. I don't go around asking you, when are the death bells gonna ring for you or you're next in line... at a funeral! There's much more to do in life than just sit at home with a saas hovering over your head and you silently weeping at night about all the years slogging to get the coveted degrees that eventually became equivalent to the household raddi. There's much more to my life, for sure, all you aunties... please read this.

And while I'm at the topic of my "life", let me make it clear to everyone, the reason why I want to go out of Mumbai for my MBA.... For one, 20 years of my life, I've lived life according to what my family wanted me to .... good grades, quintessential daughter, a little less than perfect sister(!!)... but don't get me wrong... I am and will always be like this ... all I want to do is live life where I won't be told everyday do this or do that.... I'm lucky to have parents who are so cool and understand and respect my need for space and privacy, and I don't want to sound too greedy by asking more, but it's just that I want to figure out where my 'nirvana' lies.... because for me life is not all about degrees too. I want to find about who the real 'me' is... I want to break free from the protected cocoon my parents have so carefully and lovingly woven for me, for life is not like that. I want to experience and learn life first hand, the heartbreaks, bitching, double crossing, backstabbing....everything included. I want to be strong on my own. I want to be self made just like my Dad. I want people to come upto to parents and say 'Like father, like daughter'. I want to make the proud. My parents have taught me to fly, now I want them to push me off the cliff to ensure that I practice what I learnt, just like the sparrow family. And I know, that my parents will also agree on this one that they can trust me that I can never wrong them or put their head down in shame in any respect, due to my living-my-life-by-my-terms.

For two, I don't know what future holds for me... when I may get married, to whom, if he's the one I've always wanted and consoled myself with getting him one day, I don't know who he is. After marriage to a large extent what I'd do would be just a reflection of what he wants me to do, in a way, this might be the case, I don't know this would be it ,though. But then when I'm 60 and retrospecting on life, I don't want to think that first 25 years I lived according to my family and the next 25 years according to my second family and then wonder over the question when in these 60 years did I live for MYSELF, like I wanted to live, on my terms, by my rules, by my convictions? I totally agree with Geet from Jab We Met when she said, " Meri zindagi jaise hain, main jaanti hoon ki mere wajah se hain, kal uthke main kisiko blame nahi karna chahti ki jee tumhare wajah se meri zindagi barbaad ho gayi".

I frankly don't know what interpretation you're gonna have of this post, and I'll tell you very brazenly, I don't even care what anyone thinks, I know what I'm doing, I know what I want and I know for sure that the people who matter to me today... Mom, Dad, Niyati, Rads, Rao, Neha, Jay, Aanch, Hets and Mansh are gonna be the people I'd come back to, at the end of the day, just like how the baby sparrow returns the nest in the evening after exploring the world on its own. Just gimme a bit of patience folks, just a bit of patience.