What's In A Name - A Short Story - Part One

Waise toh, I'm very famous for starting to write a story and never finishing it,but I'll definitely try to finish this three-part story that I'm starting with this post.

All the characters in this story are fictitious! People, though you may be tempted to draw parallels between the main lead and me, I'll tell you, it's not my story!!!! I'm NOT getting married any time soon! This is just something that crossed my mind when I was talking to a guy-friend about how a girl becomes a woman and how the things she wants in her man changes with age and/or events. This is also dedicated to all the my-parents-are-starting-to-look-out-for-grooms-for-me SMSes that I've been receiving of late from my friends and the ones that are sent out by me!!! I hope this three part story brings in some hope for you.

***

“Who’s it?”, said a miffed Simi, who had woken up from sleep as my phone rang.

“Hello”, I answered the call, ignoring Simi’s pillow throws at me.

“Hi. How the party was?”,Dhruvesh, my fiancé today and husband tomorrow asked about my ‘bachelorette’ party.

“It was good.”, I said nonchalantly. “How was yours?”, I asked as part of a formality.

“It was amazing! We had lot of fun”, he answered. And why wouldn’t you have fun when you can have alcohol and drool over women and return home drunk and not get grounded.

“Nice”, I said for the lack of anything better to say.

“So, big day tomorrow! You excited?”, he asked me, sounding very enthusiastic. I was wondering how many tequila shots did he have to sound like this?

“Yeah, excited and nervous”, I answered. Keep a fast until you’re officially married, wear two sarees together and tons of jewellery and make-up and then I’ll ask you how excited you are!!

“Guess it’s a girl thing! It’s nice that Simi and your other friends have decided to spend the night at your place. You can talk to them all night”, he said. “I think you should go to sleep now. You’ll have to wake up early na tomorrow”

“Yeah. That’s a good idea. Bye, good night”, I said.

“Good night” he said and hung up.

“What is wrong with you. Why do you talk to him like that?”, Simi said

“Like what?”, I answered. Guess she had woken up and heard my entire conversation with Dhruvesh

“Like you’re just not fucking interested in talking to him! In the 20 years that I’ve known you, you’ve never answered in one words! You are you! You TALK! Why do you talk like this to Dhruvesh?”, she said.

“Can you guys like please go to sleep?”, Reema said from one corner of the room.

All my BFFs – Simi, my best friend since KG, Reema and Sheetal, my school best friends, Purvi, my junior college best friend, Shruti, Dimple and Swati, my degree college best friends and Khushi, my post-grad best friend had stayed back at my place on the eve of my marriage. I have a lot of best friends! But, Simi is the bestest of all. She knows me since we were 3! That’s like since 20 years! And we’ve been best friends ever since!

Simi came to where I was sleeping, dragged me by my shoulder and took me to our ‘window sill’. It was this balcony in my room which had an amazing view and we’ve spent a million hours talking about Simi’s then boyfriend and now husband Varun! She forced me to sit.

“Tell me what’s the issue?”

“There’s no issue. I’m just tired”, I answered, not looking at her in the eye.

“Don’t bullshit me”, she sat in front of me and turned my face so that I could look at her in her eye and talk. “Tell me, what’s wrong?”

“There’s nothing wrong”, I said.

“Really? You want me to believe you? Babes, please tell me what’s wrong? Did he do something? Say something to you?”

“No”

“Monosyllables! I hate them!!”, she fumed. “Did he try to you know….force you for like sex or something before marriage?”, she guessed

“Hell no!”, I shouted back!

“What is it then?”, she asked with a grave concern on her face. “You’re getting married to him in less than 12 hours…. You want to marry him right?”, she asked. And I couldn't control the tears that I had filled myself up with since a month that it was decided that he was the one for me.

“Aww, baby! It’s ok! You just are freaked! It’s normal to have cold feet before the wedding day. I had it too!”

“Don’t lie! I’ve never seen anyone as desperate as you to get married!!”, I joked. Finally, after a month there was a smile on my face.

“Ok, fine! At least you smiled. See, I know it all has happened real quick! I mean one month is really not enough…. But it’s ok. Your parents aren’t fools and besides that, Dhruvesh is a really nice guy, trust me! Even Varun says so…. And he’s a guy….he knows guys better than us!!”, she asked.

“It is not that, Simi. Leave it, you won’t get it. Nobody does”, I shrugged.

“Try me.”, she urged.

“It’s everything! He’s not what I wanted in life! You know that I never had a boyfriend in life and that’s why I thought probably that’s because I’d get someone out of the world for me to marry. But this is not out of the world!!”

“Ok. What do you not like in Dhruvesh?”, she tried to calm me down”

“Everything!”

“Start somewhere!”, she persisted.

“The name… Dhruvesh!! I mean it’s like so Gujju!! It sounds Gujju…. Because of that ESH thing in the end. I don’t like his name! I don’t like his surname. I don’t like how Payal Dhruvesh Shah sounds like!! It’s not mellifluous to my ears.”

“You don’t wanna marry him because you don’t like his name?”, she laughed, waking up two of my friends.

“See, I told you, no one understands.”, I complained and got up to go back to sleep, she held my hand and asked me to sit.

“Sorry. Let’s start again”

“The reasons I have sound very shallow to others, but to me they are not. Because it’s my life at stake. I want what I want and Dhruvesh …yucckkk…. Is not that! And it’s not just the name. He can’t even speak English properly. He can’t throw two sentences without an error and you know how irritating that is. I wanted a guy who could throw five big words in a sentence if I’d throw three and he can’t even get my normal English stuff. English is important to me and I wanted my guy to speak good English. And he can’t.”

“Hmm. You can work on the English, Payal. And name… you’ll get used to it!”

“Imagine saying Dhruveshhhhh when you’re doing it…. It’s like so turning off yaar!”, I said.

“Look at the good side… he’s letting you work after marriage. That’s a positive”

“He doesn’t talk. He’s all shy and quiet with me and you know I can’t take silence. It freaks me. And he’s not at all romantic. He doesn’t know how to talk to women.”

“No guy on earth knows how to talk to women the way we want, so I’ll give that to Dhruvesh”

“Can you like please not take his name?”, I said. “And I always wanted a love marriage yaar. Falling in love, talking on the phone for hours, that honeymoon period of the relationship…he being all romantic and all filmy, when all romantic songs make sense to you…. I don’t have that phase in my life. I feel like a fucking 16^th century woman!”

“You can have that after marriage. And let me tell you, love marriage sounds glamorous on paper. In reality, it is not like that”

“Look who’s talking! You had the most amazing love story”, I said

“I did. But we do have problems. We’ve dated for 5 years and been married for 2…. The seven year itch is not a myth my friend! See, with love marriages the problem is that you begin with attraction and then when you have to compromise and adjust later, and that’s a problem. With arranged marriage, you start with compromise and end with attraction. Trust me, that’s how it should be because that attraction is unshakeable. It has a more solid and practical foundation.

“But still, I wanted a love story that I could tell my kids about”

“You can still have it”

“With Dhruvesh? Noooo” I replied

“Why didn’t you tell your parents about it if you had such a big problem. You could have told me earlier…. What’s the point of telling me NOW!”

“I tried telling Mom, she gave me one million reasons why he’s the right guy and shut me up. I didn’t like getting engaged and married in a month. But considering that his grandfather is almost on his death bed and wants to attend his function, I agreed.”

“Don’t have a pity marriage”

“It’s more compromise than pity.”, I said

“Dudeee. He’s a nice guy. Trust me. Trust my instincts. Give him one fair chance. Keep the name and English aside…. Look at the inner him. That’s what’s important when you’re getting old with him.”, she tried making me look at the brighter side of things.

“I didn’t even have a bachelorette party with alcohol and all. I wanted to enjoy my courtship period with him. Wanted to go out, party hard, wear hot clothes, get drunk, come home late and not be asked questions….. I didn’t get to do any of that. I wanted him to fall in love with me when he saw me for the first time and he saw a strand of hair on my face and he so liked it that he fell in love with me…. I wanted something like that….”

“What are you? A Yashraj Film heroine? You can’t take the AC for more than 30 minutes and you want to dance in a miniskirt in the Switzerland snow!!”, she laughed.

“No. I just wanted to have a love story. Period.”, I retaliated.

“You’ll have it. Your life is not ending tomorrow. It’s just starting.”, she said

“Yeah right”, I said, staring at my hands which were covered in mehendi. And his name in it. The only thing that I liked on my hands was the engagement ring because of the huge diamond it had.

I was marrying Dhruvesh the next day and I felt nothing for him. Nothing. 

P.S : Thank you, Aanchal for the amazing quote on love marriage v/s arranged marriage! And thanks for approving the names of the characters in the first go! You're back on my blog now, so you better be the first one to comment! 

P.P.S : Please like my page on Facebook!! You can see the LIKE button to your right as well! (Sounds so desperate, but I need some ego boost real bad!!!)

Part Two : Coming Soon

My Best Friends...

The last time I wrote something on this topic was an essay for my English class in 4th standard.... around 11 years back! And now, at 20.8 years, I'm all charged up to write on My Best Friends... people who're responsible for taking care of me outside the sheltered confines of my family. Radhika, Rao, Aanchal and Ajay are the heroines and hero of my post. It's really personal to talk about my equation with them, but then, today, I'm just so happy after a looooong time and they're the reason behind it! So, it's them all in the way on my blog!

I've never really talked about my equation  with Radhika and Rao ever on my blog. There's no need for it, because somehow I feel that the relationship we have transcends words, because I, honestly don't have words for them. From listening to the same old stories of mine for 1000 times and still being game for it for the 1001 time, Rads, you seriously have some patience man! And you never even interrupt me and tell me the count of the incident that I'm regaling to you! And you're the sweetest person along with Akshata.... because you two are the only two people on Earth who laugh like crazy on my jokes and make me feel that I'm good at being funny! From being the only friend I had for almost 3 months..from wiping and consoling and saying the same things over and over again without getting frustrated for 4 years ...to having the guts to put up with a 2 hour-every day crying person for 3 months , to still putting up with my BYEs when I'd be with him, leaving you in the lurch! I couldn't have asked for a better best friend! 

Rao.... I know you still hate me for eating that Fruit and Nut which was meant for someone else, but dude, you should've researched before giving a gift to the girl you were planning to ask out! I can't help it if she doesn't like chocolates and I'm the chocoholic best friend of hers! But, seriously, the way you used to come online late at night only because I was lonely in US with no one online during my 'awake' hours.... that meant so much to me! Trust me, the chocs I got for you from there were nothing for what you'd done for me in those 3 months! From hating to a person, not beacuse he didn't like you, but because I had cried for him.... to listening to my Eostrogen mood swings every three days.... you come next to Rads in the patience-o-meter!! 

Aanch...I call her my soul-sister. The only place where we differ is that I'd be cool with a not-so-tall guy unlike her!! From liking the same guys to fighting over them (well, more like me abusing her because she'd be the one who'd go and talk...just taking advantage of the fact that I can't really talk to people I like!) to crying one after the other.... almost everytime... ain't it... one week you... one week me! And of course celebrating our first-time-meeting anniversary on 10th Aug! There are so many instances with her that it'd be an encyclopedia when penned down! From the way we both felt that 'void' no one else did at Hyatt's coffee shop the day after my birthday ....by just the way our eyes drifted away while talking....to keeping that hand on my head at the Suncity bus-stop with me trying so hard to tell you things but just couldn't get myself to talk about it... to fighting over Mohali and Chennai.... to keep gushing over Edward Cullen and various other hunks (except Nauman and ZAc Efron...I hate them, they're **y!)... to making deals over extra-marital affairs with the other's husband... to snatch the other's baby name, the baby's place in the Indian Cricket Team (jersey no 11!!)... to promising to snatch only my temporary pyaar and leaving my permanent pyaar all for myself...to rolling your sleeve in the middle of the road to bash up the epicenter of all my troubles.... to that one conversation at the Window sill in Vapi at 3 in the morning, that just showed me how strong a person I've been and which changed my life. Forever. Thanks for forcing me to talk that day.... I would'nt have been able to write about Ajay otherwise! And if I don't get the first call after your water breaks from your hubby.... I'll run away with him while you're still in labour! Remember my warning!!

Ajay was the third particpant of Aanchal and my Window Sill convo at Vapi... during our IV there....well, like I said, the night of 13th Jan .... changed my life, for good. I got a new best friend!! From keeping me sane one month before the Boards so that I could write my exams (yeah, and then giving me murderous looks when I'd taken a supplement!!)... to clearing my head every 5 hours everyday during March.... to being on mute conference for 3 hours so that I wouldn't break down while talking... to wanting to massacre everyone I knew at one point of time because they all were only aggravating things and not alleviating pain... to always be the one who'd get a smile on Aanch's and my face....and of course.... for getting Aanchal and me to abuse and think cheap....People tried, but couldn't do it for 2 years... but you did it in what...2 days?! Shit man! You're going to hell, Ajay! BTW, you owe me a Fruit and Nut for 15th March!

And if you don't pick up my calls in 5 rings after you get married or move in with your girlfriend (if you're lucky to land one!) because you were busy.... you'd get a kick from me on your self-proclaimed callipygian ass! (I wanted to kick in a more strategic position but then, I want you to give me a niece so that I can name her something that doesn't sound like FLICKA! It seriously sounds like a shoplifter's name!)

For people who've read this, must be wondering what a sad person I am....to be crying all the time..! But no, it was just the past 5 months which have been bad.... only because Murphy's Law came into picture..... every bad thing possible....happened....at the worst possible time! But now, I'm back...to my old self.  Thanks to Ajay and Aanchal today... Gosh! I've never laughed as much as today ever in my life! Freaking crazy!! BTW, I'd like to warn the four of you, that when you're taking the GD and PI of the guy wanting to marry me... you better be damned good at it...! Because if the guy I marry turns out to be a jackass in the end.... I won't leave you alive! I've just given you one responsibility in my entire life...so you better not disappoint me! Rads you have to make sure he's better than him.... Rao you don't have to get any guy from areas like Chinchpockli and Naala Sapara for me or someone Atal Bihari Vajpayee's age for me. LK Advani's age won't do either! I know I'm a big kabab main haddi... but please don't be a sadist! Aanch, I trust you like hell in the PI thing... I'm sure my prospective groom'd come out and tell me, "Your friends, either are big time sadists or they just simply love you to death" after YOU interview him! And Ajay.... you've gotta make sure he has conviction in his voice when he says he loves me (if ever there's a guy who would!!). 

There still is blood on the streets

If I hear/read/watch/write one more word about Terrorism, I'll surely need to be sent either to a Depression Healing Clinic or some Terrorism Rehab Center! I'll talk about Terroism later... not any more. I've even stopped reading papers and watching NEWS because the entire episode makes you melancholic. Obviously, it was really egregious what those bastards did, but then just being sad and remorseful of what happened isn't going to be enough. We gotta keep this anger alive. We can't let the fires of the martyrs who sacrificed their lives for us go off so soon. Their sacrifices won't go in vain. Ok, so I'm doing exactly what I said I'd refrain from!

OK, in a way there's not much I feel like mentioning expect for terrorism. But I'll try.

Ever since I started blogging, I wanted my friends to blog as well. At least then would there be no 'Blog it you blogger' statements from them! Now, I'm really glad that Aanchal is blogging. Even if it means fighting!! Atleast there'll be one person less to maro that statement!! And yeah, there'll be more of Dhoni-Irfan wars in the comment sections of our blogs!!

Ok... where is this heading... what am I writing? Chuck, I'll write about terrorism.

Did you hear what that asshole of a State Home Minister(I don't even feeling like taking his name and spoiling my mood) said in a recent interview?? It was something like: Bade bade shehron main aise chote mote haadse hote rehte hain. In my life, I've never wished for any person to be dead,not even the cockroach who irritates me!! But, I seriously feel like saying that for R.R Patil. Mr. Patil... probably it was a 'chotta haadsa' to you as you weren't in there, you weren't in there as an NSG commando, woken up from your sleep to go and gun down terrorists with AK series of guns in the dark. Total darkness, mind you. You had a Z level security for yourself... you had 10 people to take bullets for you, but the people trapped/fighting at Taj and Oberoi didn't have that. Sometimes, I wonder, why these politicians need security. They're never attacked. It's we, the common people who're attcked, we're are dying. After, Rajiv Gandhi, I don't think any politician had been shot at.

In one of the reply to comments to my earlier post, I mentioned that I wouldn't have felt the way I am right now, had they attacked a hotel full of politicians and done a A Wednesday on them. If there are people like the Patils.... R.R and Shivraj... I'm sure I'll have people to second me on this. There's one more question that I want to ask Raj Thackeray.... TUMCHI Mumbai was hostage to terrorists for 3 days, where were you. The people who saved the city were all 'outsiders'. You didn't mind them? Why? They were 'uttar bhartiyas' and 'dakshin bhartiyas'... Don't you mind them taking all positions in NSG and not leaving anytihng for your 'marathi manoos'? I just loved what Ajay replied when I asked in anger, where the fuck Raj Thackeray was hiding! It's just too obscene for my blog!! Typical Ajay!!

Mumbai is angry. If you are not, watch the clipping of Maj. Unnikrishnan's mom talking to his dead body. TV has never made my eyes moist before. I could actually hear the song Lukka Chuppi being played in my head with Lata Mangeshkar and A.R.Rahman's spine chilling vocals... Prasoon Joshi's heart wrenching lyrics... damn... God, why didn't you just damn it??!! Please lets keep the fire ablaze and do something because these so-called leaders are as good as a Tamil newspaper to me. Or better, what RGV's visit to Taj was. Completely useless.

Democracy,my civics textbook defined it as, a government OF the people, FOR the people and BY the people. I see none of the three things. This govt. if definitely not FOR us. It's for themselves and the thing they love the most... their chair and the money and power that comes along with it. It's not BY us. I don't see how I can enter politics without having a 'godfather' in politics. India has a huge population. A billion! In school, we only learnt how it is a bane. But, it can be used as a boon. It is upto us how to do that. We're always short of personnel, they say. Are you freaking kidding me? One billion!! And you say you don't have people! Either you must be blind or I must be dyslexic. I remember when India needed people during Kargil, people joined the army by the dozens. Trust me, if I were physically strong (and tall!!), I'd have joined the army, or at least tried to. I know, India now needs people, and she'll have them. There is a peace rally on 3 Dec at the Gateway at 6.... please show solidarity to the cause.

1500 years ago, it was an Indian who taught the world to count. Aryabhatta. The father of medicine was Indian. Sushruta. It was an Indian who invented wireless communication. Jagdish Bose. 90% of world's computers run on chips made by an Indian. Vinod Dham. A man who fought a war without fighting was an Indian too. Mahatma Gandhi. Just imagine what a billion of us can do. Together. When we stand for what we believe in, we can change the world. Shakespeare said, Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Isn't Mumbai scorned enough? Let us help Mumbai get back on its feet and not on crutches called MUMBAI SPIRIT. Let US stand up. Change we need and change we can, because change WE are.

Aur Bhi Jahaan Hain Sitaron Ke Aage...!!

Finally THE CAT is over!! Phew!! Feeling so much better now! Got IIFT this Sunday... so will be comparatively free-ier after Sunday. So about CAT.. well I was the only person besides Aanch who was so happy after it was over. She was happy as she didn't let her panic attacks spoil her exam and I was happy for the simple reason that CAT got over. But, on second thought, in the end I had started loving CAT. I'm gonna miss it..!!

I never get tensed before any exam... just can't! But before every exam I'll be tensed about the fact that I'm not tensed and will eat my Mom's brain about it!! Yeah, I know I'm wierd! But, I tell you... don't reach the CAT center too early too.... its kinda intimidating!! I dunno why but it kinda just reiterated the fact that the exam is been given by 3 lakh other people! IITians, engineers, droppers included!! That freaks you out! And, the best thing to do in this situation is to have a chocolate. It calms frayed nerves. I was eating one even while filling up my exam details...!! Just can't give up chocolates for anything on earth... not even CAT!

And I was so happy that my class was a 4th grade class. It meant the benches would be of my size!! And they were. THe perfect height, the perfect back support. Just perfect! And when I looked around I could see people making their second and third failed attempt to get in those benches! And they were looking so enviously at me, as if I had "Already into IIM-A" written on my forehead!!

P.S: The guy sitting next to my bench was really cute. I couldn't help but throw a glance once every few minutes before the paper began... acting against the advice given by my friends to not to "BIRD WATCH" during the exam!!

When I saw 40 questions in VA... I could actually break into a victory jig looking at that! For once CAT helped non engineers... guess the paper setters read my blog! hehe!! I wouldn't have seriously had a problem, if they chose to pick an RC passage from the blog!! My posts are any which ways way too long, abstruse and boring! They can make real good RC passages!

I guess I'm the only soul on earth who found Quants easy. It really was. There were nearly 10-12 sitters. I solved 8...got 6 right... never before have I scored so much in QA!!! Had I 5 minutes more, I could have done 2 qtns more. So many qtns were from AIMCATS. QA was really easy... and if I can score above 20... it shows that 99% of the people can! I really don't know how they couldn't. People found DI easy. But, believe me DI was pathetic. Solved just 2 sets... and made mistakes in them too!!! And after the paper I came to know that the entire world solved those 2 sets..so there goes my percentile!! DI was fuckingly freaky! VA was less ambiguous. I thought I had a decent enough vocab until I read the qtns.... I felt dyslexic!! Didactic...diatonic...diastolic...ditetic....WHAT?!?? All in one question!?!? Maraoed a matka... and got it right!!

There was a point in life where I had given up hopes for CAT. And I was giving the exam only because I had paid for it and like a typical Gujju, I didn't want my money to go waste. But then I don't know why, this time, I didn't quit... didn't give up completely, like I always do... maybe this was one thing I learnt from Hetu and Aanch while studying... they never quit... they never said NO.... I tried this time... not quitting... and I must say I'm quite impressed by myself!! I tried... gave everytihng I could in the last month... though I knew that one month can't salvage CAT, but I tried... I won't get a call from IIMs... but atleast I'm proud that I came close... Maybe this was the reason I was happy..that I came... I saw... and I didn't give up...! Vini Vidi of the saying "Vini Vidi Vici" done.... maybe Vici will be done next time!!

I know I wouldn't have gotten a call but missing the DI cutoff only by a few marks... clearing QA and VA...hurt. I told Mom, that I'm missing it only by a few marks and I was really disaapointed because after coming so close, I didn't feel good to be still no where.. human tendency, I guess..I would've broken down when I told Mom the results... and she just said one thing... "Aur bhi jahaan hain sitaron ke aage" and I smiled.... she was happy with the mere fact that I tried... but as usual was late in beginning it!! Aanch, you're so damned right about me...!!

Positivity and Cockroaches!!

My Blog's got a new look! Sexy n sleek...black... er..well.. that's what I think!! Bloody had to toil so much to figure out what on earth XML is! All I was taught in my IT class back in 12th was HTML! New new languages engineers come up with! Huh!! Anyways, I like the new look, do tell me if its nice.

I truly believe more than anything, CAT, is more of a mind game... you keep cool,be positive,have faith and confidence in yourself... and you'll do good... even in Quants maybe (well, I'm yet to try this!!)... You panic... and it's like Tu saala kaam se gaya!(people feel this song is inexecrable, but I like it!!) Maintaining positivity for 3 more weeks is gonna be a mammoth task... lets hope I'm able to do it. One thing in me is that I can't think negative... I have to look at the positive side of things..But, the main problem with positive people is that if they get negative... they take ages to get positive again!! Like, last year... when I had gotten negative.... And another problem with positive people is that nobody around them knows how to deal with them when they get negative!! Because for one, positive people have their own theory of staying positive, whcih nobody else undestands, and they won't get positive unless this theory is reiterated to them with CONVICTION!! And when I had become negative... I didn't know how do I explain that to people and they didn't know what was going on in my life!! But, thankfully, I came out of the negativity and got positive again(took 3-4 months, but was out of it finally!) But, by far I think, the most important thing in life is not to EXPECT... I had began expecting things in my life, something I never did until then, and all hell broke loose. So one lesson I've learnt is simply not to expect and accept whatever you get! There are certain things you can't fight. Fate... for example! BTW, my Orkut horoscope for today says: Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life !!!

But there's one thing that I'll always be negative about... the fact that I can conquer over my fear of cockroaches!! Again, I was held at gunpoint by a cockroach...flying one at that! I don't understand why do cockroaches have to attack(!!) me when I'm alone at home or people are sleeping?!!? Bloody and they don't even go easily!! My grandmom, who threw the cockroach out, was actually laughing hysterically at me when I was jumping on my bed and shouting like a moron for the cockroach to be thrown out! Give me a PI at IÍM-A where the panelists would grill me on Microprocessors or worse still, discuss the GDP and GNP of Guatemala and be in a room with a cockroach for 10 secs... I'd choose the former... atleast the people in the room are humans!!

Huh! Only if God never created cockroches! But whatever... as long as I have people around who can throw off cockroaches, I don't mind! Time to go back to Quants ... no.. I'll do Verbal for a change today!

Love is Blind

Love is blind. And deaf . Probably mute too. Mentally handicapped as well. This is my observation... first hand as well as observed. In 12th std, I tried to decode the way guys behave/think/function in my "Y Chromosome Theory". I expected to win a Nobel Prize for the path breaking service I did to the 3 billion women on Earth, but nothing of that sort happened. So no more Nobel Peace Prize for me. Looking forward to the Nobel Prize for Literature!!!! Just hoping that the level of the Nobel Prize panel degrades when my book comes out!

OK, I'm sorry for the discourse. I wanted to talk about LOVE. When we entered teens, love was a mystery we were looking forward to decrypt. When we are exiting teens, we're still baffled by this yet unsolved mystery and have no more guts nor the ATP in our worn out cells to continue with the decryption procedure. But there's still something about love that keeps us coming back to it. Kinda analogue to cocaine. But more lethal. When we were kids, we just wanted to grow up, and fall in love, ignorant of the fact that wounded knees hurt much less than wounded (smashed/butchered/broken to nano pieces etc) hearts!!

Love is magical. No two thoughts about it.But only for the time it lasts. After it's all over... life is hell! Especially if you're one of the sentimental fools who takes 2 light years to get over people. Here's a low down on how people can fall out of love.

Falling in love is easy. Falling out takes the life out of your soul. But it's not impossible.(it's not Don na! OK, apologies for the joke!!) One needs to really want to come out of that hell hole and be mentally strong throughout the process and have a really really good set of friends who will not let you fall. This friends part is really important because they keep in check all the withdrawal symptoms and their blackmailing (read: Taking out the phone and threatening you that they'd call up your love interest and tell him/her about your feelings for him/her.... in case he/she doesn't know about it already. Trust me it works). But the most important thing is to really feel and MEAN from inside when you say that you actually had it enough and want to get over him/her. Once your resolve is strong, everything will take its own course automatically.

One thing that one does in love is to give in to what your love says. No questions asked. You just do it, even if it's hard on your self respect. The thing is that, we do it, only because there's no time nor the inclination to THINK when the thing happens!!! It just happens ..... kind of an involuntary action. The outcome of this is that we start hating ourselves after everything's over. For neglecting our self respect for a person who probably didn't even bother to care. The I-hate-myself part is the toughest. And it's not right... why hate yourself for something that you did which was right to you? You did it, and now if you are feeling bad, just chuck it out of your grey cells. After all, you can't hate yourself.... you have to live with yourself for your entire life, whereas life with that one person is as uncertain as Deepika Padukone's affairs. Love yourself, it's YOU after all!!! And just think about this... when you were in love..... how many times did you have the time to love and think about yourself.... isn't that a crime on your part not to love YOURSELF.... someone who's the only person who's the closest to you?? (Kinda abstract idea!) Just look into the mirror once and muse over the person you've become after "love" happened and the person you were before that. It'll be motivation enough!

Looking at the amount of sermons I've been giving in the past few days, I think, I can make money out of it by putting it in a book and selling it (See, I still haven't given up on my Nobel Prize dream). I've thougt of the name as well: How To Get Over and How To Get Back With People (It's also about how you can get back with your love!!!) but the thing is that you don't need to be an Einstein to figure it out. Love hampers your thinking abilities. The minute you're out of it, you'll have all the wisdom on Earth to deliver sermons on how you did it, write blog posts, penning down books etc etc...!! Yeh ishq nahi aasan.... but if you're one of the lucky ones for whom it is.... there's nothing like it!!!

They say love is blind. Agreed. But then, why is lingerie so popular????!!!! Think about it!!

The Holy Grail of Happiness!

For a good part of last year, I thought that like Physics, in life too, happiness can't be created. It can be destroyed, though..... !!! And yeah it definitely passes on from one person to another. But, this year, I've realised that happiness can be created. And it should be created. For your own sake. Happiness, is all inside your head... You decide you want to be happy, then you will be, no matter what. But if you want too say sad and melancholic, then even Imran Khan singing Kabhi Kabhi ----- (Your name) won't make you smile. Now, I gave this egregious example only to teach you how to stay happy when the world around you is cracking stupid jokes!

Coming back to Happiness, I think I've figured out its Holy Grail. Now that's only until I'm hit by another bout of sadness!! ohk... so the secret of staying happy is

1) Fight against everything that makes you sad and make a conscious decision to stay happy. Trust me, it works. It is, for me, since the past few months.

2) Chuck the fucking world and just do what you want to do (According to Sri Sri Sri Rao Baba ....My wisdom imparter of late!) Now this is one thing that I've been doing which has knocked out the daylights out of people around me! I mean it's my life and why should I care what others' opinion about it is? I should, and for that matter everyone should lead their lives according to their wishes and whims. If it shocks people, who cares?

One more philosophy I'm being subjected these days to, of course by my friend Sri Sri Sri Rao Baba, is that "Learn from the past, Aim for the Future, But LIVE in the present". That's what I've been doing. I have CAT in like 2 months, and my graduation in another 6. And yet today, I'm here blogging, and spending more time doing top level TP than spending them amongst books. The amount I study in a week is what I used to study in half a day back in 10th and 12th. I know, if Aanchal is reading this, I won't be alive and all you folks will be spared of reading further posts from me.

About living life on your terms and living for the present.... who's seen tomorrow.... certainty about tomorrow is so uncertain... then why waste your today for tomorrow and then if there's no tomorrow, rue over it? My college will be getting over soon.... 2 more months max... and everyone will be separated. I'm sure everyone is feeling it, but no one is talking about it. And me being the Blogging Blogger, I've Blogged it! It's like so less time, so much to do. Study. Laugh. Eat. Go to Bandra. Gossip. Bitch. Feel depressed looking at even jerks having boyfriends and we being single!.Write Zay Pee's pronunciations. Video shoot in the name of Campus Junkie. So much to do and no time. I wish I had met all my college freinds in FY itslef... all this would have been done to death by now. But, there's still 2 months, and I will enjoy them with my friends no matter what.

4 people have told me in the past few days that I've changed. I have. I know, for I can feel the change in me. And the best thing is that I'm happy. 3 of the 4 people know me okayish. 1 person knows me in and out. One thing they all fail to understand is that everyone has to change.... nothing in life is permanent. You have to be able to deal with all the changes life throws up at you. And, I'm just trying to prepare myself to absorb all the shocks that will come in the next 6 months. People are gonna change. People are gonna go. Most of my friends have become "couples"... so they don't have time for other friends. They left. And that's after making me promise that I will never leave them, come what may. Some just became distant and left. Some stabbed me in the back and left. Some just never came back to resolve misunderstandings. Everyone goes. Even today, there has come this creepy silence and a widening distance between a friend and me. It pains to see it.... more so because we don't know what the issue is. I've cried thinking of it and I just want to clarify that the only reason I never justified myself was because I didn't want to belittle my friendship by having to justify myself to a person who once read my silence perfectly, who was the only one who felt my VOID by just looking at me look out of the window.... I know, you are hurt to read it here. I'm sorry for that. I have become too dependent on people to take decisions for me. To the extent that I can't take my own decisions now. And I've changed to change this. Nothing else. It's my first independent decision in a year!

And I'm so glad I'm back to my spiritual self after a sabbatical of a year!!! Spirituality gives you an inner peace and happiness that can't be described.... it's just to be felt. The past week of Pajushan felt like catharsis! I've decided to give up eating onions and potatoes again, and I hope I can maintain it and resist everything, even Aanchal's Chole!!! God give me strength!!Believe it or not, the time when I had given it up, back in 12th ke vacations, I used to feel the same inner peace and happiness. That's the reason for the hermitgiri!

All I'm asking for is ... a bit of patience... and a li'l amount of Happiness....

Disclaimer: This post was written in an utter state of exasperation.... while I was sitting on the roof of my 5th floor terrace, with a knife on my right side, cyanide tablets on my left and a rope around my neck...so please pardon me for the ensuing post. It was before I felt the endorphin rush(in one of my earlier post I had mentioned serotonin as a feel good hormone, but some amount of laziness shedding and googling yielded that its endorphin release that makes you feel good and not serotonin...sorry for misguiding) This post bears no resemblance to living or dead or brain dead( which most of us are)

24 hours... 24 hours in a day.... 86400 seconds in a day.... everybody has the same amount of time, but I wonder where does all of it go when you actually need just 5 minutes of patient listening from someone? Is that asking for too much? 5 minutes... well maybe, our's is such a fast paced life... after all.

There are times when you genuinely don't feel like talking, presumably because there's not much to talk about... but still, people aren't patient enough to understand the lack of a "reason" for this sudden maunvrat. There are so many thought processes going on in one's mind and the person doesn't wish to talk because of/about them, not because the person's world has turned upside down and he/she is on the verge of a nervous breakdown that's causing the silence, just because the person just wants some inner peace of mind. Well, sometimes, silence, indeed is golden, even for a blabbermouth me. (No offences meant, to whomsoever)

3 years and everyone around me is losing patience... and for this in a way I don't blame them... it was very juvenile of me not to let go of certain things and keep harping upon it on every opportunity. But then, in the other way that I may blame them is without a bit of patience from them its really difficult to give up something that borders on obsession, if I may call it, though its as hard as a chappati made by me a term,( 'obsession' that is.) I will be indebted to all the people who've stood behind me, with me, ahead of me, besides me till death for doing so.... just give me a li'l more amount of patience and time... I'll be a different ME. (I won't stop talking and making you read my blogs at gunpoint though, if that's what you've assumed as the DIFFERENT ME change). I'm on my way to semi-nirvana, just some more time!

There's a point I want to prove to everyone yet no one... I, female, can drive... if not better than, then at least as good as my male counterparts. There's no sword hanging over my head to do so, neither am I the only one in my family who can drive.... but its the sense of independence that I can feel when I'm in front of the wheel that's making me want to desperately drive, and drive well at that. All I'm asking is for a bit of patience.... from everyone... I'm still learning... the car I drive is different from the one I drove in driving school... I need time to acclimatise.... I need patience, I need a you-can-do-it-its-just-a-matter-of-practise speech every time I'm unable to start the car from the second gear. After all I'm trying to master something that comes as naturally to girls as dressing up for an hour in front of the mirror comes to guys. The latter would require patience too na, for you to do it guys... and I'm not even talking about mastering the trait!!

Why is it that if you're in your graduation year and happen to go to a wedding (obviously decked up an all.... your mom won't allow it otherwise... especially if you're one of the girl species who spends a total of just 5 nanoseconds in front of the mirror..like me) the only question you're asked is.... so when are the wedding bells gonna ring for you and you're next in line....by aunties who care about me as much as my kaamwali does about about Osama's whereabouts. I don't go around asking you, when are the death bells gonna ring for you or you're next in line... at a funeral! There's much more to do in life than just sit at home with a saas hovering over your head and you silently weeping at night about all the years slogging to get the coveted degrees that eventually became equivalent to the household raddi. There's much more to my life, for sure, all you aunties... please read this.

And while I'm at the topic of my "life", let me make it clear to everyone, the reason why I want to go out of Mumbai for my MBA.... For one, 20 years of my life, I've lived life according to what my family wanted me to .... good grades, quintessential daughter, a little less than perfect sister(!!)... but don't get me wrong... I am and will always be like this ... all I want to do is live life where I won't be told everyday do this or do that.... I'm lucky to have parents who are so cool and understand and respect my need for space and privacy, and I don't want to sound too greedy by asking more, but it's just that I want to figure out where my 'nirvana' lies.... because for me life is not all about degrees too. I want to find about who the real 'me' is... I want to break free from the protected cocoon my parents have so carefully and lovingly woven for me, for life is not like that. I want to experience and learn life first hand, the heartbreaks, bitching, double crossing, backstabbing....everything included. I want to be strong on my own. I want to be self made just like my Dad. I want people to come upto to parents and say 'Like father, like daughter'. I want to make the proud. My parents have taught me to fly, now I want them to push me off the cliff to ensure that I practice what I learnt, just like the sparrow family. And I know, that my parents will also agree on this one that they can trust me that I can never wrong them or put their head down in shame in any respect, due to my living-my-life-by-my-terms.

For two, I don't know what future holds for me... when I may get married, to whom, if he's the one I've always wanted and consoled myself with getting him one day, I don't know who he is. After marriage to a large extent what I'd do would be just a reflection of what he wants me to do, in a way, this might be the case, I don't know this would be it ,though. But then when I'm 60 and retrospecting on life, I don't want to think that first 25 years I lived according to my family and the next 25 years according to my second family and then wonder over the question when in these 60 years did I live for MYSELF, like I wanted to live, on my terms, by my rules, by my convictions? I totally agree with Geet from Jab We Met when she said, " Meri zindagi jaise hain, main jaanti hoon ki mere wajah se hain, kal uthke main kisiko blame nahi karna chahti ki jee tumhare wajah se meri zindagi barbaad ho gayi".

I frankly don't know what interpretation you're gonna have of this post, and I'll tell you very brazenly, I don't even care what anyone thinks, I know what I'm doing, I know what I want and I know for sure that the people who matter to me today... Mom, Dad, Niyati, Rads, Rao, Neha, Jay, Aanch, Hets and Mansh are gonna be the people I'd come back to, at the end of the day, just like how the baby sparrow returns the nest in the evening after exploring the world on its own. Just gimme a bit of patience folks, just a bit of patience.

The Endorphin Rush

Jaane kahaan woh duniya hain,
jaane na woh hain ki ya nahi,
jahaan meri zindagi mujhse
itni khafa nahi!!!!!!!!!!!!


I'm just in love with these lines! I know, I know, I deperately need to be admitted in the Jaane Tu.. rehab centre.... I'm literally eating, drinking, sleeping this movie! Actually only sleeping this movie.... eating and drinking ...... I've not learnt doing these things!! Yeah so as to not lose out on my readers I will not make them brook Jaane Tu..... any further!


It was another Sunday... meaning another AIMCAT and another set of shitty marks! 'm not expecting anything good from this AIMCAT as well...!! But what makes this Sunday special is I got Aanch back... yup... we (I, to be more precise) had been behaving wierd since a fortnight and now things came back to Square One(read:normal). The best thing God blessed girls with is the innate ability to cry! Man! The endorphin rush after the tears is anyday better than an Adrenaline rush! Feels light! I felt proud in a way that Aanchal, pessimist to a level(was), was speaking like me.... an eternal optimist.... you sounded like a hybrid of Nupur and Hetvi, Aanch!


Another thing, "signs" rather that I encountered today were 1) The RC passage on "HAPPINESS".... it was one of the few passages that I understood thoroughly and got 80% accuracy in.... it felt like the essence of the passage: happiness is an innate thing... it is inbuilt, yet we keep looking for it because our minds are in a conflict... turbulent... tumultous.... 2) the daily horoscope on Orkut said: Stop searching forever, happiness is just next to you.... Seemed like bagal main chora gaav main dhindhora!! It felt like these things were just God's way of communicating with me!(I really need rehab now!!) I'm out of the drum labelled "DOLDRUM"... pardon me for the poor quality of jokes!


I'm so touched these days with the way my 2 best friends.. Rads and Aanch have been describing me... Aanch says : Nupur is a person who loves talking,blogging, telling stories(about herself and others...Gossip Queen, you see!), swapping channels at light speed and is always stuck in the chasm between IF and WHY..... how true!! And Rads replied to my "I'm a tough cookie, Rads"... she said, "Yeah a completely baked one!" ....!! You guys really know me man!! And yeah I'm so happy Mansh finally spoke her crush herself.... it was quite a task pretending to be Mansh and speak to him!! Very Mujhse-Dosti-Karogeish!!


Finally succeeded in my pursuit of happiness!!