Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts

September 5, 2011

Of Growing Up And... Complicated Thoughts


Habits, they say is an acquired pattern of behavior that often occurs automatically. And addiction arises from habit due to a habit forming substance. So, where does love fall? Is it a habit, as it an aberration of your normal behavior sort of acquired over a period of time? Or is it an addiction, resulting from a very serious habit of the person one loves? What really is love? It just can’t be a mere feeling. Love, I believe, is more potent to be called a ‘feeling’. Love makes you want to do crazy things…even sing songs atop the Alps in miniskirts and thin chiffon sarees to wanting to kill someone. Love makes you forget reason. Just like addiction does. So does that mean that love is an addiction? But, then, not everyone does the aforementioned things while in love? So does that mean they love their partners any less? Or is it that they are plain sane (and boring!) Maybe for them, love is just a habit which hasn’t reached the addiction level. Or is it that love is something totally different and I’m thinking too much into it.

When we talk about habits, I feel there are many things besides love that can be habits. Like people for example. There are some people, who become habits. Friends, crushes, family… So what happens when the one to whom you are habituated to moves on in life, while you are at the same place?
And then because you have to also show that you have grown up, there’s ego that plays a very important part. So, what would win…habit or ego? Both are equally strong and equally hollow.  Would reason have a role to play in the fight? Would it be a referee declaring who’s the winner or would it be a third side in the already existing tug-of-war between ego and habit and complicating the situation further? Someone I know told me, that the only thing stronger than ego is reason. But what if the ego doesn’t let the reason to sound reasonable enough? What would happen to habit then?

What about lust? Is it a habit or an addiction? Or just very intense love? Then what is obsession? Is lust stronger or reason? Does this reason stem from logic or from preset beliefs? Then this takes us to a totally unchartered dimension… what’s stronger….reason or beliefs? But what if beliefs are wrong and so strong that you can’t see reason… at a level wherein beliefs become faith? What if our faith is wrong? Would it still be called faith? But then when we are doubting the basic premise that differentiates hope from faith, how can it still be called faith? It would then be hope or a belief. What is it that drives terrorists to kill people? Is it hope, faith or belief?

Or is it that all the above questions that I raised were totally subjective? Maybe they were or maybe they were not. If they were not, someone is gonna have faith issues!

P.S – I was not high on weed while writing this post.

P.P.S – Some habits are beautiful. Ms. Aanchal Bhugra, you were my most beautiful habit. My blog misses you… and so do I. Stop being a kanjus marwadi and start commenting like an extravagant Punju!!



April 4, 2011

What's In A Name - A Short Story - Part One

Waise toh, I'm very famous for starting to write a story and never finishing it,but I'll definitely try to finish this three-part story that I'm starting with this post.

All the characters in this story are fictitious! People, though you may be tempted to draw parallels between the main lead and me, I'll tell you, it's not my story!!!! I'm NOT getting married any time soon! This is just something that crossed my mind when I was talking to a guy-friend about how a girl becomes a woman and how the things she wants in her man changes with age and/or events. This is also dedicated to all the my-parents-are-starting-to-look-out-for-grooms-for-me SMSes that I've been receiving of late from my friends and the ones that are sent out by me!!! I hope this three part story brings in some hope for you.

***

“Who’s it?”, said a miffed Simi, who had woken up from sleep as my phone rang.
“Hello”, I answered the call, ignoring Simi’s pillow throws at me.
“Hi. How the party was?”,Dhruvesh, my fiancĂ© today and husband tomorrow asked about my ‘bachelorette’ party.
“It was good.”, I said nonchalantly. “How was yours?”, I asked as part of a formality.
“It was amazing! We had lot of fun”, he answered. And why wouldn’t you have fun when you can have alcohol and drool over women and return home drunk and not get grounded.
“Nice”, I said for the lack of anything better to say.
“So, big day tomorrow! You excited?”, he asked me, sounding very enthusiastic. I was wondering how many tequila shots did he have to sound like this?
“Yeah, excited and nervous”, I answered. Keep a fast until you’re officially married, wear two sarees together and tons of jewellery and make-up and then I’ll ask you how excited you are!!
“Guess it’s a girl thing! It’s nice that Simi and your other friends have decided to spend the night at your place. You can talk to them all night”, he said. “I think you should go to sleep now. You’ll have to wake up early na tomorrow”
“Yeah. That’s a good idea. Bye, good night”, I said.
“Good night” he said and hung up.

“What is wrong with you. Why do you talk to him like that?”, Simi said
“Like what?”, I answered. Guess she had woken up and heard my entire conversation with Dhruvesh
“Like you’re just not fucking interested in talking to him! In the 20 years that I’ve known you, you’ve never answered in one words! You are you! You TALK! Why do you talk like this to Dhruvesh?”, she said.
“Can you guys like please go to sleep?”, Reema said from one corner of the room.

All my BFFs – Simi, my best friend since KG, Reema and Sheetal, my school best friends, Purvi, my junior college best friend, Shruti, Dimple and Swati, my degree college best friends and Khushi, my post-grad best friend had stayed back at my place on the eve of my marriage. I have a lot of best friends! But, Simi is the bestest of all. She knows me since we were 3! That’s like since 20 years! And we’ve been best friends ever since!

Simi came to where I was sleeping, dragged me by my shoulder and took me to our ‘window sill’. It was this balcony in my room which had an amazing view and we’ve spent a million hours talking about Simi’s then boyfriend and now husband Varun! She forced me to sit.
“Tell me what’s the issue?”
“There’s no issue. I’m just tired”, I answered, not looking at her in the eye.
“Don’t bullshit me”, she sat in front of me and turned my face so that I could look at her in her eye and talk. “Tell me, what’s wrong?”
“There’s nothing wrong”, I said.
“Really? You want me to believe you? Babes, please tell me what’s wrong? Did he do something? Say something to you?”
“No”
“Monosyllables! I hate them!!”, she fumed. “Did he try to you know….force you for like sex or something before marriage?”, she guessed
“Hell no!”, I shouted back!
“What is it then?”, she asked with a grave concern on her face. “You’re getting married to him in less than 12 hours…. You want to marry him right?”, she asked. And I couldn't control the tears that I had filled myself up with since a month that it was decided that he was the one for me.
“Aww, baby! It’s ok! You just are freaked! It’s normal to have cold feet before the wedding day. I had it too!”
“Don’t lie! I’ve never seen anyone as desperate as you to get married!!”, I joked. Finally, after a month there was a smile on my face.
“Ok, fine! At least you smiled. See, I know it all has happened real quick! I mean one month is really not enough…. But it’s ok. Your parents aren’t fools and besides that, Dhruvesh is a really nice guy, trust me! Even Varun says so…. And he’s a guy….he knows guys better than us!!”, she asked.
“It is not that, Simi. Leave it, you won’t get it. Nobody does”, I shrugged.
“Try me.”, she urged.
“It’s everything! He’s not what I wanted in life! You know that I never had a boyfriend in life and that’s why I thought probably that’s because I’d get someone out of the world for me to marry. But this is not out of the world!!”
“Ok. What do you not like in Dhruvesh?”, she tried to calm me down”
“Everything!”
“Start somewhere!”, she persisted.
“The name… Dhruvesh!! I mean it’s like so Gujju!! It sounds Gujju…. Because of that ESH thing in the end. I don’t like his name! I don’t like his surname. I don’t like how Payal Dhruvesh Shah sounds like!! It’s not mellifluous to my ears.”
“You don’t wanna marry him because you don’t like his name?”, she laughed, waking up two of my friends.
“See, I told you, no one understands.”, I complained and got up to go back to sleep, she held my hand and asked me to sit.
“Sorry. Let’s start again”
“The reasons I have sound very shallow to others, but to me they are not. Because it’s my life at stake. I want what I want and Dhruvesh …yucckkk…. Is not that! And it’s not just the name. He can’t even speak English properly. He can’t throw two sentences without an error and you know how irritating that is. I wanted a guy who could throw five big words in a sentence if I’d throw three and he can’t even get my normal English stuff. English is important to me and I wanted my guy to speak good English. And he can’t.”
“Hmm. You can work on the English, Payal. And name… you’ll get used to it!”
“Imagine saying Dhruveshhhhh when you’re doing it…. It’s like so turning off yaar!”, I said.
“Look at the good side… he’s letting you work after marriage. That’s a positive”
“He doesn’t talk. He’s all shy and quiet with me and you know I can’t take silence. It freaks me. And he’s not at all romantic. He doesn’t know how to talk to women.”
“No guy on earth knows how to talk to women the way we want, so I’ll give that to Dhruvesh”
“Can you like please not take his name?”, I said. “And I always wanted a love marriage yaar. Falling in love, talking on the phone for hours, that honeymoon period of the relationship…he being all romantic and all filmy, when all romantic songs make sense to you…. I don’t have that phase in my life. I feel like a fucking 16th century woman!”
“You can have that after marriage. And let me tell you, love marriage sounds glamorous on paper. In reality, it is not like that”
“Look who’s talking! You had the most amazing love story”, I said
“I did. But we do have problems. We’ve dated for 5 years and been married for 2…. The seven year itch is not a myth my friend! See, with love marriages the problem is that you begin with attraction and then when you have to compromise and adjust later, and that’s a problem. With arranged marriage, you start with compromise and end with attraction. Trust me, that’s how it should be because that attraction is unshakeable. It has a more solid and practical foundation.
“But still, I wanted a love story that I could tell my kids about”
“You can still have it”
“With Dhruvesh? Noooo” I replied
“Why didn’t you tell your parents about it if you had such a big problem. You could have told me earlier…. What’s the point of telling me NOW!”
“I tried telling Mom, she gave me one million reasons why he’s the right guy and shut me up. I didn’t like getting engaged and married in a month. But considering that his grandfather is almost on his death bed and wants to attend his function, I agreed.”
“Don’t have a pity marriage”
“It’s more compromise than pity.”, I said
“Dudeee. He’s a nice guy. Trust me. Trust my instincts. Give him one fair chance. Keep the name and English aside…. Look at the inner him. That’s what’s important when you’re getting old with him.”, she tried making me look at the brighter side of things.
“I didn’t even have a bachelorette party with alcohol and all. I wanted to enjoy my courtship period with him. Wanted to go out, party hard, wear hot clothes, get drunk, come home late and not be asked questions….. I didn’t get to do any of that. I wanted him to fall in love with me when he saw me for the first time and he saw a strand of hair on my face and he so liked it that he fell in love with me…. I wanted something like that….”
“What are you? A Yashraj Film heroine? You can’t take the AC for more than 30 minutes and you want to dance in a miniskirt in the Switzerland snow!!”, she laughed.
“No. I just wanted to have a love story. Period.”, I retaliated.
“You’ll have it. Your life is not ending tomorrow. It’s just starting.”, she said
“Yeah right”, I said, staring at my hands which were covered in mehendi. And his name in it. The only thing that I liked on my hands was the engagement ring because of the huge diamond it had.

I was marrying Dhruvesh the next day and I felt nothing for him. Nothing. 

P.S : Thank you, Aanchal for the amazing quote on love marriage v/s arranged marriage! And thanks for approving the names of the characters in the first go! You're back on my blog now, so you better be the first one to comment! 

P.P.S : Please like my page on Facebook!! You can see the LIKE button to your right as well! (Sounds so desperate, but I need some ego boost real bad!!!)

Part Two : Coming Soon


September 6, 2008

The Holy Grail of Happiness!

For a good part of last year, I thought that like Physics, in life too, happiness can't be created. It can be destroyed, though..... !!! And yeah it definitely passes on from one person to another. But, this year, I've realised that happiness can be created. And it should be created. For your own sake. Happiness, is all inside your head... You decide you want to be happy, then you will be, no matter what. But if you want too say sad and melancholic, then even Imran Khan singing Kabhi Kabhi ----- (Your name) won't make you smile. Now, I gave this egregious example only to teach you how to stay happy when the world around you is cracking stupid jokes!

Coming back to Happiness, I think I've figured out its Holy Grail. Now that's only until I'm hit by another bout of sadness!! ohk... so the secret of staying happy is
1) Fight against everything that makes you sad and make a conscious decision to stay happy. Trust me, it works. It is, for me, since the past few months.
2) Chuck the fucking world and just do what you want to do (According to Sri Sri Sri Rao Baba ....My wisdom imparter of late!) Now this is one thing that I've been doing which has knocked out the daylights out of people around me! I mean it's my life and why should I care what others' opinion about it is? I should, and for that matter everyone should lead their lives according to their wishes and whims. If it shocks people, who cares?

One more philosophy I'm being subjected these days to, of course by my friend Sri Sri Sri Rao Baba, is that "Learn from the past, Aim for the Future, But LIVE in the present". That's what I've been doing. I have CAT in like 2 months, and my graduation in another 6. And yet today, I'm here blogging, and spending more time doing top level TP than spending them amongst books. The amount I study in a week is what I used to study in half a day back in 10th and 12th. I know, if Aanchal is reading this, I won't be alive and all you folks will be spared of reading further posts from me.

About living life on your terms and living for the present.... who's seen tomorrow.... certainty about tomorrow is so uncertain... then why waste your today for tomorrow and then if there's no tomorrow, rue over it? My college will be getting over soon.... 2 more months max... and everyone will be separated. I'm sure everyone is feeling it, but no one is talking about it. And me being the Blogging Blogger, I've Blogged it! It's like so less time, so much to do. Study. Laugh. Eat. Go to Bandra. Gossip. Bitch. Feel depressed looking at even jerks having boyfriends and we being single!.Write Zay Pee's pronunciations. Video shoot in the name of Campus Junkie. So much to do and no time. I wish I had met all my college freinds in FY itslef... all this would have been done to death by now. But, there's still 2 months, and I will enjoy them with my friends no matter what.

4 people have told me in the past few days that I've changed. I have. I know, for I can feel the change in me. And the best thing is that I'm happy. 3 of the 4 people know me okayish. 1 person knows me in and out. One thing they all fail to understand is that everyone has to change.... nothing in life is permanent. You have to be able to deal with all the changes life throws up at you. And, I'm just trying to prepare myself to absorb all the shocks that will come in the next 6 months. People are gonna change. People are gonna go. Most of my friends have become "couples"... so they don't have time for other friends. They left. And that's after making me promise that I will never leave them, come what may. Some just became distant and left. Some stabbed me in the back and left. Some just never came back to resolve misunderstandings. Everyone goes. Even today, there has come this creepy silence and a widening distance between a friend and me. It pains to see it.... more so because we don't know what the issue is. I've cried thinking of it and I just want to clarify that the only reason I never justified myself was because I didn't want to belittle my friendship by having to justify myself to a person who once read my silence perfectly, who was the only one who felt my VOID by just looking at me look out of the window.... I know, you are hurt to read it here. I'm sorry for that. I have become too dependent on people to take decisions for me. To the extent that I can't take my own decisions now. And I've changed to change this. Nothing else. It's my first independent decision in a year!

And I'm so glad I'm back to my spiritual self after a sabbatical of a year!!! Spirituality gives you an inner peace and happiness that can't be described.... it's just to be felt. The past week of Pajushan felt like catharsis! I've decided to give up eating onions and potatoes again, and I hope I can maintain it and resist everything, even Aanchal's Chole!!! God give me strength!!Believe it or not, the time when I had given it up, back in 12th ke vacations, I used to feel the same inner peace and happiness. That's the reason for the hermitgiri!

May 17, 2008

Its all evanescent after all.....

Its all evanescent after all,
The smiles,the sneers,the tears,
The climb, the fall,
The apprehensions, the fears,
Its all evanescent after all.

Its all evanescent after all,
Its here today, gone tomorrow,
Having reached the top, you fall,
That's Destiny's way of making you bow,
Its all evanescent after all.

Its all evanescent after all,
For nothing is permanent,
Even if you're drawn up against the wall,
Happiness, like sadness is immanent,
Its all evanescent after all.

Its all evanescent after all,
It wasn't though, once upon a time,
Seemed like a road winding up a cliff, ending in a fall,
Little was known that falling ain't a crime,
Its all evanescent after all.

Its all evanescent after all,
Friendships, relationships, love,
Relish the scrumptious meal,
Received from Fate's vast trove,
For you may never know when Fate seals it,
Its all evanescent after all

Its all evanescent after all,
They change the locks after you've found the key,
So what, you can still walk tall,
Thinking that you saved some other prey!!
Its all evanescent after all.

Its all evanescent after all,
Tears roll down,thinking of someone today,
Feeling the void like a gall,
Tears are going to be replaced with smiles one day,
WAIT... that's the key to life, the greatest ball,
Its all evanescent after all.

Its all evanescent after all,
Don't give up, don't lose hope,
Be like the sun which survives night's perilous ride,
Hold on, cling on to the rope,
It may be the last straw, but it'll see you through the rough tide,
Its all evanescent after all.

Its all evanescent after all,
Its all ephemeral after all,
Its all temporary after all,
The only permanent things are HOPE and a little FAITH!!
For it'll be a new dawn tomorrow and you'll shine like the sun!!
They are not temporary,
They are not ephemeral,
They are not evanescent.......