January 19, 2011

How To Identify A Gujju In A Crowd - Part II

*Disclaimer : All the following points have been written for the sole purpose of entertainment. So, all my fellow Gujju aunts and uncles especially ones with 24-25 year old handsome,rich and intelligent sons, please don't take any offence! {And if the aforementioned people are looking for a sundar and sushil bahu, I can send in my CV janamkundli too}*

Here's how to identify a Gujju in a crowd ka sequel. Read the first part here.
  • For Gujjus, it's socially acceptable to burp, belch and fart in public and no apology is necessary in the end. 
  • Gujju elders embarrass Gujju young people by publicly disclosing/asking their salaries. If your salary is less than people younger to you, you have to die in shame. And if it's more, then you'll have to fake-smile and promise random people whom you've met for the first time a free party!
  • If you're a non-Gujju, then in all probabilities, in your wedding, your Gujju classmate will come with a spouse and a kid (could be kids too!!!!) because he/she would be married way before you!
  • Gujjus are well known for their love of food. When they go to see the Eiffel Tower in Paris, they aren't floored by the sheer magnificence of it, they aren't even interested in the beautiful French women or wine, all they're interested is in knowing whether they'd get Jain Samosas in Paris or not!!
  • And this one is a Jain special. Jain Gujjus can make a Jain imitation dish out of anything! Be it Jain Pizzas, Jain Tacos, Jain Chinese....you name it and we have a Jain version of the dish. I have full faith on my Jain aunties that one day they'll even come up with Jain Sushi!!
  • Gujju men have the biggest egos on Earth. Hence, when they see Hindi movie songs being made in Punjabi and other regional languages like Bhojpuri and the South Indian languages making a huge wave in the entertainment sector, the Gujju egos get hurt. So, they also vow to fight back and make Gujarati a popular language amongst the masses. So, the make videos like the following. The first one is Spiderman Video - Part I. It is hilarious!!! But it is in Gujarati as spoken in Surat, so not many non Gujjus would find it funny!! But, for Gujjus, you'll fall off your chair, trust me, my Mom almost did!! Ditto for Spiderman Video - Part II. This video is SRK's Dard-e-Disco in Gujarati. Wait till the second para.......it's tooooo good! Here, I fell off my chair while watching it!! But the killer-est of them all is the Gujju version of the Punjabi song, Amplifier, by Imran Khan. You have to, have to, and absolutely have to hear the Gujju version!!!! It's too fucking funny! (I used the F word purely for alliteration purposes. I don't abuse on my blog!!) See the video here 

P.S 1 : I was thinking of more points to be put it this post, but I've realised that I've written everything that's ever to be written about Gujjus! So, no more Gujju bashing on my blog, due to the sheer exhaustion of points to be made.

P.S 2 : This post is dedicated to my friend Aamir, who was patient enough to listen to my non-sensical talks all afternoon and being an inspiration for me to return to blogging and continuing it! (Yeah, I know, I haven't ever told this to you, so this is your moment, bask in the glory!!!)

P.S 3 : This post is also dedicated to Rizvi friends, Taranjit, Taher, Sohail and Sweta for always listening to my crap, putting up with it and still loving me!!Also, thank you for reinstating my belief in friendship and all the goodness that still exists in the world!!  Love you all.... you guys shall be invited for my wedding to have the Jain Sushi!!!

    January 14, 2011

    Wanna Make A Fraandship?

    Since the advent of social network websites like Orkut and Facebook, people have been flooded with 'friendship' requests. I'm not at all one of the hot types, but still, I get weird friend requests.So, I don't even wanna know what the hot types must be going through!! Here's a list of some of the requests I've received.All of them are real. It is their creativity talking, not mine!!! And every request is by a different person!! Wow! I'm so much in demand! I love it!!
    • hey nupur really sorry to send this message i dont weather  u the same nupur i met in shimmer [malad] on the 31st was waiting for u 4 hours out side shimmer please accept my friend request if u the same nupur and if not am sorry for the message call me on **********. {Now, with this person what I don't understand is how could he wait for 4 hours for a person and still not be sure of how she looks. Come on man, you could've given a better, more credible excuse!}
    • Hiiiii,,,,,,,,,
      Can We Know Each Other
      Then Let's Decide 4 a Friendship {People like him give birth to the concept of 'arranged friendship'}
    • Hi.....Wary nice your photo.....&.....your smile....{ 3 different people have sent me requests having the same phrase 'WARY nice smile/pic. Wary is different from very and it means cautious...so I feel me smile/pic makes people cautious of befraanding me!}
    • Hi, Nupur....
      This is Sheetal  from Mumbai. Can we be friends. {This was the limit!! Girls adding me!!}
    • hi thr howz life
      can i know ab u
      ur smile is ur asset {My smile is my asset and my nail scratchings to other people a liability that I have to pay off!!}
    • {This one was a killer piece} hey miss bhayain./ hie. ssup ??/ how u doin..?? i wish everything fine at ur end..!!!well this is mohit from kolkata.. shifted to mumbai a couple of month back..!!! was jst goin thru frds profiles. .somehow came acros u.. was delightd to knw th cute gal is from mumbai.. hope we can b in touch..

      by th way m not goin to say like all othr weird pickups... like hii ... ur beautiful.. ur sexy.. ur eyes r gorgeous n all bla bla... nor wil i say like to b frds... i understand u mst oftn b experiencing this.. sometimes u must be amused by the weird starts.. sometimes very irritated.. n u wonder from where out of blue someone is adding u n want to b frds..! bt i wud rather say... lets start off with a conversation... gradually we may knw each othr... n in the process we may end up being gud frds.. may be not... wat say ??? i do expect a reply from ya.. {People have time to type so much for random people and I thought I was the only one was jobless right now!And the bozzo can't even Ctrl C+Ctrl V my name properly!!}
    • hey hi dear .sorry ti dist u .i no u dont know me.actually me new on fb n here for good frdship .no other thoughts.i m not asking urr number or address.just a small chat on net thats it .n i dont think so is there any harm to chat on net.pls do send me frd request n be my frd.pls give me one chance n reply me back n ha u look very pretty.sorry if i hurt u in anyways {He's active enough to type so much shit but lazy to send a friend request and expects I would do that! Wishful thinking, dude!!}
    • hey hi nupur.........cn i ask one things? {This is the only request I replied to. Me : Yeah, go on, ask me ONE THINGS and then I never got a reply back!! I'm still wondering what was the ONE THINGS he wanted to ask me!}
    • hi nupur u look hot yr..........frnds???????? {Works wonders for my ego!!}
    • hi nupur 
      howz ya?
      i wanna knw abt window live massenger ........can u halp me abt dis {I didn't know I was paid by Bill Gates to be the 24x7 live technical support to random despos on Facebook!}
    • Hi,
      I want to be your friend. I would like to invite on Farmville. {
      How could Farmville and Facebook stay away from one another?}
    • hi
      hwo r u?
      kya huwa phechane nhi kya
      abhi kuch din phele hum aapke collej me aye the
      tabhi humne apko dekhe the
      so plz add mi {
      I'm wondering how this person came to know of my name just by looking at me!! Total creep!! And apparently it turns out that he's my junior in college and complains that I don't meet him !! Total creep raised to n!}
    • hello goddess....i wish i cud kneel down in front of u...on my knees.....and kiss ur used sandals.....:) {OK. Kiss my sandals and then buy me a new pair!!}
    • Hey ...I would love to talk to you and know you. Hope we can be friends.

      Just a bit about me-

      I am into consulting and completing my last sem of MBA from University of Melbourne. Right now doing my final summers projects with a company in Mumbai.

      I love partying, reading, movies and long drives :)

      Well …tell me about yourself? what do u do? What do u like to do on weekends? Etc.

      Look fwd for ur reply. Till then take care. {Perfect ad for shaadi.com!}

    Happy laughing!!

    January 11, 2011

    Let's Uncomplicate!

    1+1=2 was simple.
    x2 + 9x +20=0 was simple too where x could be -4 or -5.
    But, man (this is not a feminist generalization, I mean human beings in general!!) has to complicate what is simple, so he comes up with scary formulae like           
                        -b ± sqrt  (b2 - 4ac)
        x =  ------------------------------          to complicate matters!

    And as we all know how greedy man is, he wasn't satisfied with screwing up Maths just with Quadratic Equations, so he had to invent Trigonometry, Calculus and the likes!! Making life miserable for Biology loving people!

    My basic point of getting Maths on my blog (for the first time) is to drive home the point how we, humans love to complicate things and relations in our lives. We just aren't happy with simple things in life! There's a small adrenaline junkie in all of us, which makes us complicate things that can stay rather uncomplex. 

    And growing up adds fuel to the fire. Weren't our childhood relations better and far simpler than what we have now? No wonder, they say, that best friends from school are best friends for life. That's because we weren't afraid of saying 'Sorry'. Anybody and everybody who got a chocolate was our friend. And now when someone gives us a chocolate for no reason, just like how K-serials vamp speak aloud at 110 decibels in their brains, we talk inside ours, wondering what is the person's motive behind giving us a free ka chocolate. Is it because the person likes me or is it 'politics', is it buttering up for a favour or is it drugged so that one of our kidneys can be removed later on *roll eyes like a vamp* (yes, as a writer, I have absurd justifications for an activity...it just shows how imaginative I am!!). A chocolate is a chocolate yaar. It's the fucking consumerism more than the want of eating a chocolate that's making you buy it! (50 bucks for Silk and 80 for Bournville is definitely consumerism.....not an an impulse purchase!!)

    There are many friends we make, many, we lose. Why can't we go and shake the lost friends, slap, if the need be to get them back in our lives? This is what even Shahrukh Khan said on Koffee With Karan about his issues with Farah Khan and Salman Khan! There's something that's definitely stopping us. And I'm sure that 'something's is nothing but our egos, you-are-wrong-too and the 'I-had-told-you-so' from the friend that we don't want to listen to. Sometimes, it becomes too late to get the person back, maybe the person has moved on, maybe there's a new 'love interest' in the person's life, making everything else seem redundant to that person or maybe that person is waiting for you to to make the first move. 

    I run the risk of being a hyprocrite when I say that I think 'friendship' is more pure relation than 'love', but this is what I've realised in the past one year because, one, you can't get over love easily and two, you just can't do it without friends! But the most important fact remains that you may eventually get over love....but there are certain (lost) friends you can't get over. I have one too! However hard you may try to repress those memories, they just don't get repressed! You may talk once in a while, laugh or even maybe cry, but then that spark is missing. The chemistry, along with Botany and Microbiology is dead! And probably you're just trying to avoid a confrontation by not saying that out loud!! 

    Earlier I blamed growing up for screwed up relations. What I forgot was the amount of responsibilities that come onto our shoulder, the changed priorities and the lack of time that we have that takes a toll on relationships too. But, having said that, you can still manage time once in a while for people who mattered and who mattered once! Life, methinks, is not about being busy and not having time, it's about wanting to make the time and taking the efforts to keep certain people in our lives. After all, it's very hard when you have to....and very easy when you want to! How much ever big feminist people may think I am (which I am not!), I think maintaining friendships with men is far simpler than the ones with women!! Come on Ladies, we all know that men are a little less complicated than us!!

    P.S : This post is dedicated to that one person whose loss in my life is something I can never get over. Maybe she's over me, or maybe she's not, whatever is the case, for me, 10th August 2006 will always be a day I'd remember and 10th October 2009, a day I'd want to forget! (Women and dates..... you just can't help it!!)

    P.P.S : Special thanks to Rucha Shukla for pushing to write something as I had not written for quite some time and to Rahul Mahant for helping me with the Quadratic Equation.... you need to have engineer friends to solve your Math-related queries!!!