September 26, 2010

The Aftermath Of Being Horny!!!

One of the advantages of being jobless and having nothing constructive to do is that you have a lot of free time to analyze a lot of non-consequential things. Like I did my research on the increasing horniness in society (both human society as well as the pigeon society.... the horny pigeon couple has still hijacked my room and they refuse to leave!!!) . So what happens when there's increased horniness in the society.... especially when seen in the backseat of cars in the parking lot of malls?? It's like children in the backseat cause accidents....and, accidents in backseat cause....children!!! So, my next analyzing mission was to find out how kids are gonna weigh you down...monetarily! So, while waiting for a friend to come, my friends, Ajay, Manshi and me were roaming around Food Bazaar (yes, only losers like us wait for other people at Food Bazaar!!)  and that's where the fieldwork of this research happened! 

A packet of Pampers (66 diapers) cost you Rs.560. And depending on the bladder size of your kid, you'll spend accordingly! Then, a bar of Johnson's baby soap costs you Rs.43! Yes, just one soap is fucking 43 bucks!! And Baby Shampoo (200ml) is Rs.230! So all the people good at Maths, kindly do the math and let me know how much I would be spending on my kid when I get one!! You can't expect 3 Biotech grads to do Maths. The results are going to be blasphemous! Ajay and Manshi tried to calculate the price of a single diaper and they got the answer as 47 Rs. And I have no clue on Earth how they got 560/66  = 47!! I'm really worried about their monthly budgets when they start running a house!! And this is a real story!! I've not exaggerated it!! So moving forward, when you're going to put your kids in school, the yearly fees in Eurokid playschool is 20000-40000 pa depending on the area ( source - the 69 slide presentation on Franshise Models in my Retail lecture!) ! Add to that the monthly EMIs that you'd be paying for your house, car,diamonds gifted to wife on various anniversaries that keep cropping up every fortnight (you cannot NOT gift diamonds to your wife on anniversaries....because you'll just end up being an ass who paid for that amazing bed in your bedroom and yet sleeps on the couch....!), summer vacation, EMIs taken for paying back previous EMIs.... hope you're getting my point.... I always knew you were smart!! 

Ajay, finally frustrated by all the miscalculations, said that a 90 Rs Ipill is the best option for mankind! And, I think he's wrong here too. I don't know how much a condom costs, but am sure it'll be cheaper than 90 bucks!!! But, jokes apart, girls, please don't use the pill like its Mentos or something! The one thing missing in these Ipill type of ads is the warning that they're supposed be used sparingly....only in emergencies....and most importantly....Ipills are NOT substitutes to condoms!! I once had a friend crying to me because she took two Ipills in a day and was worried if she's ever have a kid in the future. So after my initial reaction to slap her and curse her jackass boyfriend, I had made a mental note to spread a little awareness about Ipill. It's not a toy, people. You're messing up with a woman's hormones....get the gravity of the situation!!!

So, until I find another inconsequential topic to research on, I'm signing off!! So wake up people....all those who wanted to be woken up when September ended. Please don't kill me for that joke.... it happens to me whenever the effect of my humour-pill reduces!!!

P.S : The parking lot of the Food Bazaar we went in charged only 5 bucks an hour.... so all you bravehearts who are not deterred by my post, drive up to Evershine Mall in Malad. I don't know where in Malad it is. You don't ask a girl her age and.....directions!!!

P.P.S : I have a blogpost dedicated to me!!! Yayayayayay!! Read it here. Thanks, Arshat!

September 18, 2010

Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus

Of late, people have been accusing me of having become a feminist. Anti-men, is what people say! Feminist... yes I am to some extent. But, I'm definitely not anti-men. Wikipedia says that a feminist is a person who is for greater or equal rights for women. According to this definition then, I'm half a feminist... because I'm only for EQUAL rights....not for greater rights! That's why I say that, I'm not a feminist.... I'm just opinionated in a chauvinist world!!!! Most of the people don't know the difference between being a feminist, misoandrist (anti-men) and being opinionated, hence they use the words inter-changeably and make me wonder if I've really become an extremist!!! To these people, most of whom are guys, I'd like to say just one thing.... these three words are as different as are a notchback, a hatchback and a sedan!!! Hope this will drive home the point!!

Just to show that I'm not anti-men, here's something that I'd like to tell people. Girls actually. So listen up all you girls. Please open your mouths and tell, spell out if necessary, what you're feeling to your guy. Because they're too dumb to understand when subjected to our silent treatment. OK, jokes apart, this is something we women do, and I think it's really wrong on our part to expect someone to understand and fill in the blanks of our silence. We should start expressing exactly what we feel to the exact person. Life will be much simpler then....this is what most of my committed guy-friends have also agreed on!! And you guys, listen on.... it won't hurt your mardangi or anything if you spared a few minutes thinking about what possibly is going on in your girl's mind.... that's the least appreciation you could show your girl, someone who's leaving her 20 + year old name, life and identity to pick up yours.

The saying Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus is so very true. Men accuse women of being complicated whereas they think that they're the most un-complicated souls in the solar system and vice-versa. I think both of them are equally complicated and equally uncomplicated. To understand this, I'll put up a very easy example... Just like how men can't ever get why blur ear-rings won't go with a turquoise dress..... because these two are two different colors, women will never get why it's blasphemous to say that a car is just a car that takes you from point A to point B!! But, contrary to what I just wrote, I feel that men are a little less complicated than's like they share a 49.00009 -  50.99991 relationship!! And that is only because, men have only one hormone controlling them, which doesn't have to work in tandem with other chemicals ...unlike women.....who have have their sanity at the mercy of the co-ordinated functioning between estrogen and progesterone!! 

I think people who're reading my blog, people who are putting up with me the whole day in college and my friends and me... I think all of us have had enough of this half a feminist ways! So, no more blogs about it!!! So, you can do a victory dance..... I think I should go back to my Gujju-bashing blogs or being desperate for a boyfriend ways!! Till then, these are two of my favourite quotes from two movies that I absolutely love and would like to share it with you....

"kutte, ullu ke patthe ,you bastard, suvar ke bache, tujhe kya laga, tu mujhe chhod dega, to main zindagibhar tadapti rahungi, tadpega tu kaminey, kutte ki maut marega,aur marne ke baad hamesha ke liye nark ki aag mein jalta rahega.....teri maa ki....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" - Jab We Met
 Worth downing a 180 ml bottle of vodka and saying this!!! 

and the second one is a little longer......but read till the end.... it's the best dialogue I've come across anywhere.... Even the Twilight series didn't have such lines!!!!

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope."

The happy ending is that, you never gave up hope!! Tchao!!

September 11, 2010

Where Have All The Good Men Gone?

* Statutory Warning : Contrary to the title, this post is not a feminist article!! *

What is better..... facing things head on and looking over and going through memories,places,songs or avoiding all of these things until you're totally over them? 

I was just thinking about this topic, and like a typical Libran, I had argued both sides of the case without coming to a conclusive decision! If you choose the former, people may label you as a 'masochist' who loves hurting oneself. But I don' think you're being a masochist if you face things you're not over yet. I think, you're just putting yourself through so much of self-inflicted pain, that one day you're gonna get so numb by the pain, that you won't feel it at all!! It's not easy as it sounds, and you need balls of steel to actually be able to do something like this. But, a lot of people feel this is precisely what is called 'masochistic' behaviour!!! I say, whatever!!

But, then, one my friends gave me a very solid counter-argument to this, saying that you're just helping yourself to suffer less by avoiding ice-cream while suffering from cold.... you can always get well soon by this abeyance, get strong again and then start relishing the ice-cream(s) again. A very deep philosophy put across so lucidly by my friend, Manalee!! 

Every debate, every discussion, everything is just so subjective in life! You can't just pin-point to one alternative and say, this one's the best. Because no two people are alike, and they definitely don't react the same way when faced with the same situation.(The person who's told you how stupid you were and how they'd never react the way you did to a particular situation in your life, will in all probabilities, be reacting to it in a much worse way when faced with the situation!!)  This is what makes psychology such an attractive topic to read on.... but its like Libran-ism.... no matter how much you've read, researched, thought, spoke on a the end, you never have a conclusive answer!!

I was reading HT Brunch today afternoon and the cover article it carried was men reacting to 'Where have all the good men gone' rantings of women. And, I had to read it, word to word!! It didn't have anything that we women already didn't know earlier.... except for the fact that the headline of the story still holds true!!! It had this interesting example of Draupadi and how she had five husbands... As the story goes, she wanted a husband who was intelligent, honest, strong etc etc... and asked for the same from Lord Shiva. And He, gave her a blessing that she'd have 5 husbands in her next birth... one husband fulfilling one requirement of hers....because even He couldn't make ONE man having all of the qualities!!!! I couldn't stop laughing.... I even made my Mom read it and laugh on it!!! Men say that they outnumber us in terms of population and all we need to do is just open our eyes and minds to the ones we come across! Good point, but I still say, Where have all the good men gone. I don't seem to see any! Me thinks, most of them are taken, some of them are gays....and the remaining others have turned into vampires and were-wolves! The next fad would be turning into goblins and elves!!!

And while talking about men, I have one more doubt.... and it's similar to the doubt Carrie Bradshaw had in the last episode of the second season of Sex and The City..... why do the men who've hurt you so badly..... find love so quickly again.....while you're still coming to terms with things??! That's just so not fair! First, they hurt you, break your heart, and then have another heart to play with! Don't men outnumber us in terms of we should be the ones who'd have a guy before they get a girl!!!  Me thinks, even the Karma Theory is chauvinistic!!!  (Yes, this paragraph was feminist!)

I was right in my previous article. This world is really hornier by the day! Just after I posted the post, there's this horny pigeon couple who's trying its best to gain entry into my house and lay eggs!! I mean come on, you pigeons!! You're supposed to deliver love-letters and play cupid so that some other couple can get horny.....!!! A lot of people were saying that I was being mean to the people who make-out in public saying that they don't have that much of a cash resource to be able to afford a room, and hence the public display of horniness.... I've got a good place for you guys... yeah, I love playing Cupid! Try the parking lot of Evershine Mall... it's somewhere in Malad....and the parking ticket is only 5 Rs!! And, yeah, this is not coming out of personal experience.... I had been to this mall with my friends Ajay and Manshi.... and we selected this place only so that Ajay won't have to pay too much for buying Manshi a parking ticket for her car!! It's so much fun going out with your friends...especially when they've started earning and insist on paying! I love myself for giving 'chivalry' lessons to my male friends!! Hope they can be good men for some other girls!!!

P.S : If you have any non-violent idea of me getting rid of this horny pigeon couple....please do let me know!!

September 6, 2010

This World Is Getting Hornier By The Day!

Yes! I mean it....this world's really getting hornier by the day!! All you can see at Bandra Fort is couples making out....behind dupattas! And if you're standing in a make-out free corner with your friends, the dogs come to chase you out!! What is this...some kind of Natural Selection to weed out singles?!?!?! You see making out couples everywhere...parking lot of malls, roads (yes...try walking on Carter Road sometime!), rickshaws, movie theatres...!!! 

Just recently I had been to one of the malls for some fieldwork for my Retail Management project....and when we parked the car in the parking lot, the car next to us had a couple making out! I had only heard about it...but never really seen it, so I decided to not look away from the making-out couple.... if they're shameless enough to do it in a public place, I'm shameless enough to peek too! And to me shock, the making out girl looked back at me and smiled!!! Now, I was embarrassed, when I think it should've been the other way round! But thinking money-wise, I think making-out in a parking lot is the cheapest! For just 40 bucks, you can be there all compared to a minimum of 300 bucks if you go to a movie theatre...which would be only for 3 hours*! This is if you're looking for some privacy while making out...! If you want it totally free....ask the rickshaw person to take you to Bandra Fort (you can get extra making-out time in the rick as well!) And instead of analyzing Customer Touch Points at a Mall, here I am analyzing Making-Out Points in the City!! So much for being have so much time for yourself to wonder about all the non-nonsensical things in the world!! 

* If you go for a movie like What's Your have have four and a half....(or was it five)hours for 300 bucks! I had a couple make out right in the seat next to me when I went for this excuse of a movie!

These days, I even see school kids make out in rickshaws!! And one survey I read somewhere said that the average age an Indian loses his/her virginity is 19!!!!!!! At 19 all I was romancing was Salmonella and Shigella! I'm dreading to think what would my kids do! I really hope I don't have a Juno at home! Talking of surveys, my friend Ajay, told me about this survey Durex had conducted worldwide and it found out that Indian women are the most experimental ones in bed!!! Now, that's something new!! I thought Indian women were all shy and coy!!!! I asked a couple of friends as to who are the best men in bed....and I got an unequivocal answer to that - French Men! But then, again I've read somewhere that 65% of French people don't brush their teeth!!! So, now my next wondering mission is to wonder how French Kissing came into existence!! 

Of late, I've become a Sex and The City addict!! I finished 2 seasons in 3 days!!! 30 episodes!!! And I so love Carrie Bradshaw.....she's so much like me!!!!! Trust me, if I'm single till 30..... I'm gonna be her (minus the casual sex part ofcourse!!) The series is you a lotta gyaan on love, life, sex and men ofcourse!!! Even in here....all the four of them, on an average have a new sleeping partner in every episode!!! 

I think, I'm the last one the the 16th century remains who believes in monogamy!!! Because I hardly see people who seem to echo my opinions!! I'm not one of those dogmatic people who believes that sex is taboo, but then go on to have 6 kids by the time they're 40.... all I'm saying is that, pre-marital sex is OK, casual sex is okay too (to each his own!).....but only when it's behind closed doors.....and between the two people only. That's why these open making-out couples kind of irritate me!! This is my opinion on sex.....and like I say....if the two people involved are okay with doing whatever they are doing ....fuck the world!! (well, not literally!).

This is just a small tip for guys, if I may.... 
Tip #1: I know it's really difficult for you to read a girl....but before asking your girlfriend for physical intimacy.....try reading her unspoken words and find out if she's really okay with it....or is she doing it to just to please you...! More often than not, it's the latter!!
Tip # 2: (once you start giving tips to guys, there's no end....they're just so plain DUMB!!): If you are/were into casual sex, you are being an asshole of the highest order in wanting a virgin wife!!!!! And if you're my friend, be ready for my feminist rants!!!!
Tip # 3: You'll never know when a woman fakes it!!! (SATC Season 2, episode 4)

Now, this sounded like a typical Carrie Bradshaw column minus the question marks!!!!

P.S: If love is blind, then why is lingerie so popular?!?