Of Growing Up And... Complicated Thoughts

Habits, they say is an acquired pattern of behavior that often occurs automatically. And addiction arises from habit due to a habit forming substance. So, where does love fall? Is it a habit, as it an aberration of your normal behavior sort of acquired over a period of time? Or is it an addiction, resulting from a very serious habit of the person one loves? What really is love? It just can’t be a mere feeling. Love, I believe, is more potent to be called a ‘feeling’. Love makes you want to do crazy things…even sing songs atop the Alps in miniskirts and thin chiffon sarees to wanting to kill someone. Love makes you forget reason. Just like addiction does. So does that mean that love is an addiction? But, then, not everyone does the aforementioned things while in love? So does that mean they love their partners any less? Or is it that they are plain sane (and boring!) Maybe for them, love is just a habit which hasn’t reached the addiction level. Or is it that love is something totally different and I’m thinking too much into it.

When we talk about habits, I feel there are many things besides love that can be habits. Like people for example. There are some people, who become habits. Friends, crushes, family… So what happens when the one to whom you are habituated to moves on in life, while you are at the same place?
And then because you have to also show that you have grown up, there’s ego that plays a very important part. So, what would win…habit or ego? Both are equally strong and equally hollow.  Would reason have a role to play in the fight? Would it be a referee declaring who’s the winner or would it be a third side in the already existing tug-of-war between ego and habit and complicating the situation further? Someone I know told me, that the only thing stronger than ego is reason. But what if the ego doesn’t let the reason to sound reasonable enough? What would happen to habit then?

What about lust? Is it a habit or an addiction? Or just very intense love? Then what is obsession? Is lust stronger or reason? Does this reason stem from logic or from preset beliefs? Then this takes us to a totally unchartered dimension… what’s stronger….reason or beliefs? But what if beliefs are wrong and so strong that you can’t see reason… at a level wherein beliefs become faith? What if our faith is wrong? Would it still be called faith? But then when we are doubting the basic premise that differentiates hope from faith, how can it still be called faith? It would then be hope or a belief. What is it that drives terrorists to kill people? Is it hope, faith or belief?

Or is it that all the above questions that I raised were totally subjective? Maybe they were or maybe they were not. If they were not, someone is gonna have faith issues!

P.S – I was not high on weed while writing this post.

P.P.S – Some habits are beautiful. Ms. Aanchal Bhugra, you were my most beautiful habit. My blog misses you… and so do I. Stop being a kanjus marwadi and start commenting like an extravagant Punju!!

Of Growing Up and ... Friends

I don't know what it is...is it our psychology or is it basic human greed to always find grass on the other side of the court greener. When I was in college, I wanted to grow up sooner and get out of college. And this was particularly worse in the last two semesters of my MBA course where I was just waiting for November and I wouldn't have to go to college any more (It's July, and I still have to go to college, courtesy my Sem 4 project....don't even get me started on it). And now, after almost 6 months of having starting to work, I envy the college kids with their pink BB phones I see in trains. Those, indeed, were lovely days. A time when life was a wonderfully well paid vacation. Ah, I so envy those days when my Dad would buy me a laptop and I wouldn't have to spend my salary on buying one!! And yes, there's an entire conundrum about how to file your income tax returns! Never knew growing up could suck so much!

When we were in school, I had friends whose head count ran in two digit numbers. After school got over, that number diminished, yet the two digit figure somehow sustained itself by random college friends, classes friends, friends of friends, friends of friends' boyfriends and so on.With the advent of Orkut and Facebook, the two digit number went to a good three digit number. I have some 400 odd friends on Facebook and I haven't spoken to 380 odd of them in years! And I don't see myself speaking to them in the future too. And these were all 'good' friends of mine at some point. Yes, I am very selective about whom I add!! You read my Wanna Make Fraandship series right! And I don't know why I don't talk to them anymore. What has happened that most of them have stopped resonating with me.

I am known to have a lot of bestfriends. Right now, I have 6 of them. They were 11 until two years back. And even of the 6 BFFs I have today, I see 2 of them slowly slipping away. Other 2 of these 6 are guys, so at some point either I will move apart from their lives or they'll move apart depending on who gets married first! So, I'll be left with only 2 then. So, in sum, out of 440, I'll be down to 2 friends!! And that's a scary picture to envisage! Sometimes, the only reason why you want to stop time is to maintain the status quo you have with your friends and preserve it in time. 

Like a typical teenager, I never listened to my Mom and she ended up giving me a lot of  'Talk to me when you're my age' looks and I gave her the 'Whatever' looks. And she told me, that this would happen, that one day everyone will get busy with their own lives and you'll be left to deal with yours on your own, and I refuted her claims by saying that I'll always have people. And I feel like going and telling my Mom how right she had always been. I know people grow up, they start working, get in and out of relationships, have new bosses and mothers-in-law and exes and exes of current to deal with and they get only a weekend for the same and then asking the same person to take some time out for you, is a little unfair. I also would want to finish my quota of sleep before I dash to meet my friends! But, there are some people without whom you just can't do and life is at its best when the people for whom you feel so, also feel the same for you and actually go out of their way to keep you a part of their lives. I'm glad, that I have 6 such friends.I hope I have these 6 for as long as I can. And of these 6, there's one who's posted in a tribal area of Maharashtra and he still finds network enough to call me once a week. Who wants a boyfriend, when you have a few friends who take so many pains to just talk to you! 

P.S 1 : I still wouldn't mind a boyfriend...any rich, single, handsome, intelligent Gujju reading this, please feel free to contact me!

P.S 2 : Posting for the first time from my new laptop...yeah the one I paid for myself....and it feels great!

P.S. 3: Growing up isn't about getting over Twilight and Harry Potter. Growing up is about maintaining your BFFs come bosses, exes and mothers-in-law!!

P.S. 4: Again, for the first time, I'm posting something that I've not read again, not proof read, not checked for spelling/grammar errors. I've written whatever my fingers typed. And I don't care of its shitty. After a real long time, I don't care about what people have to say about me or about what I write!

P.S 5: I'm not drunk! This post is just an after effect of being sick of calling up many numbers to 'Waiting Active'!

The 'Mumbai Spirit' - A Short Story - Part I

Part I

26^th Nov 2007

“Where are we going?”, I asked Abeer. We got engaged 7 months back, after seeing each other for 5 years. We were going to get married in another 20 days. “When can I open my blindfold?”  I asked him, fidgeting with the blindfold over my eyes”

“In some time. Just stop fidgeting and stay still”, he said, as he held my hand and led me somewhere.

“Why can’t you just tell me what my surprise is? Why all this? But what is my surprise, tell me no”, I said. It was our 5^th anniversary.

“If you’re going to keep on asking such irrelevant and redundant questions even after marriage, then I have some serious rethinking to do”

“How is asking what my surprise gift is on my anniversary an irrelevant question?”, I argued back

“Aaaarooohiii…the only way I can shut you up is this…..” he stopped, lifted me in his arms, kissed me on the lips and started walking again.

After a while, he stopped and put me down. Then it seemed like he was opening a door with some keys. He got me in. All this while I was wondering where on Earth he had got me in the name of our 5^th Anniversary celebration. He opened my blindfold and I after a couple of moments of disorientation, I realised we were in his living room standing by a table with a real big, fat candle which was lit in an otherwise completely dark room.

“This is your gift”, he said with the widest smile he could manage.

“A candle?”, I asked, perplexed, flustered and angry. I was blindfolded to be given a candle!

“No! This is your gift….” He said, taking my right hand in his and started walking around the table ahead of me. “I promise to always provide for you….”, he said, looking directly into my eyes. It was then when I realised what my actual surprise was!

“Your wish would be my command”, he said, taking a second round. When he saw my eyes sparkle, he added, “Only the reasonable and affordable ones!”

“I promise to be with you in sickness and in health”, he said, taking a third round

“I promise to always be faithful and loyal to you”, we took the fourth round

“I will always be supportive of you, in whatever you do” we took the fifth round

“I will be with you till death do us part”, we took the sixth round

“And when death comes, it will have to go through me to get to you” and with that we finished taking seven rounds of the table.

“No, death will have to go through me to get to you”,I said with tears in my eyes.

“Shut up. These were my vows, so my wish” he said. “Anyways, there’s more. I take you, Aarohi Sharma as my lawfully wedded wife. Do you take me as your lawfully wedded husband?”

“Obviously I do!!!!”, I shouted excitedly.

“Can the groom kiss the bride now?”

“We’re married now!!! You don’t need to ask for permission anymore”, I winked.

“Not that I used to ask for it earlier also, but still”, he said and we kissed for the first time as man and wife.

And that day, my love for him multiplied manifolds. I remember, after we got engaged when our parents sat down to finalise a date for our wedding, I wanted it to happen on 26^th Nov, which is our anniversary  day but we couldn’t find a decent place to get married as all of them were booked, so the fixed date was 16^th December. But, looking at my dejected face, Abeer had promised that we would get married on 26^th Nov and we did!! I had completely forgotten about it, but he hadn’t.

26^th Nov 2008

It was our first wedding anniversary (between us, we always maintained that we got married on the 26^th and not on the 16^th) and he was already an hour late. I was sitting alone at Wasabi at theTaj Mahal Palace playing with my phone and waiting for him to turn up before the waiters threw me out for not ordering. He came running towards the table where I was sitting, looking gorgeous in his white shirt worn over faded blue jeans. Men shouldn’t wear this combination…it isn’t easy to stay angry for long if you find the other person irresistibly hot! He bent over and kissed me on the forehead, hoping to placate me.

“Sorry baby”

“I don’t want to talk to you.”, I frowned. Well, faked it.

“I got late because I was hunting for this for you”, he said showing me a complete Twilight series in his hand. I wanted to smile really badly, but I controlled.

“I’m over Twilight”, I showed him some attitude

“Then, this will help you fall in love again”, he said handing me the book series.

“Fall in love with whom? Edward Cullen?”, I said teasingly.

“I know you’re a one-man woman…and I’m your man! That blood sucking vampire can wait”

“You should consider yourself to be a very lucky guy…. Your wife just can’t stay angry for long”, I said.

“That’s because of my pure genius sweetheart!”

“Whatever!”, I said, throwing my napkin at him.

“Yeah, I love you too”, he said with a smile on his face. I couldn’t hear him as some other crazy Punjabis were bursting a lot of noisy crackers to celebrate someone’s wedding. “I’ll just go to the loo and come”

“Abeeer”, I complained.

“2 minutes baby”, he came forward and kissed me before walking off.

The Punjus outside Wasabi were getting crazier and sound levels at which their crackers burst could actually deafen humans! Abeer came back soon as promised.

Soon after he settled in his chair, 2-3 men dressed in black, like commandoes entered Wasabi with their huge guns and started firing randomly.

“Abeeerrrr”, I shouted in terror, unable to process what was happening, unable to hear anything, totally confused.

 I stood up, wanting to run. Abeer sprang up the second he saw me stand and jumped on me across the table and we both fell on the floor. Everything happened so suddenly that I couldn’t comprehend what was happening. All I knew was Abeer was on top of me and his mouth was on mine. I understood that it was a signal for me to shut up and not start crying. Those commandoes were still firing randomly and I kept my eyes tightly shut lest they know Abeer and I were still alive. I kept on reciting prayers for Abeer and my safety. I had a barter deal with God… that if Abeer and I make it out of here safe, I wouldn’t ever read Twilight. That was a huge compromise.

For what seemed decades was only a couple of minutes when the firing stopped and there was a deafening silence that gripped Wasabi. A couple of minutes later, I could hear people cry. I still didn’t dare move. Abeer was on me, he didn’t move either, I thought that was a cue for me to stay still. He was rather heavy today. He isn’t so heavy when he’s on top of me while we’re making love. I couldn’t breathe because his weight was crushing my lungs and I kept my hands on his back, trying to shake hi, without talking, to signal him to take his weight off me. When I moved my hands over him, his back was all wet. I feared the worst and when I brought my hand to my face, I couldn’t breathe. And that wasn’t because of his weight…. It was because of his blood……

This can’t be true!!! It must have been someone else’s blood on his clothes. He can’t…. I couldn’t bring myself to say the word….even think of it….. he’s just 28 for God’s sake!  And we’ve been married only for a year! There’s so much more to life ahead of us….. I cupped his face in my hands and shook it. A stream of blood came out from his mouth onto mine and it was like someone dropped at 100kg stone on my chest.

After minutes of struggling to get out from under him, I finally found the strength to move out, sit upright and keep his head on my lap. The white shirt that he was wearing was everything but white now. Red was my favourite color, but not when his shirt was full of it……

I know he was just kidding with me for still liking Twilight and Edward at 25. And he knows how much blood freaks me. He’s just plain mean!

“Abeer, listen na baby”, I said, shaking him. “Open your eyes no baby. Abeer….”, I said, with tears rolling down my cheeks. “Abeer, sweetie, I promise I won’t read Twilight again. I won’t ever talk about Edward to you… I’ll not like him. I know you hate me liking him….I’m sorry baby…please open your eyes no….just tell me once more you love me. Abeer, I won’t ever get mad at you for getting late. Come whenever you want to…. I will not say anything. I will never pester you by asking you stupid questions….but please just talk to me once. Abeer….. you can’t go…..you can’t leave me alone…… What happened to the kids we were going to have. Ok, I won’t force you for a son…. I’ll name our child whatever you want… I won’t fight with you on it….but baby, please just once, talk to me na….open your eyes Abeer……”, I shook as I spoke to him. He was just not responding. He can’t be so upset with me for liking Edward.

“Abeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr open your eyes Abeer”

***

Part II Coming Soon.