May 19, 2009

Chapter 1

Here's the first chapter of a new story I'm writing, please tell me how it is... if it's really worth spending time!!


Chapter 1
Keeping your hands off a drunk girl….


I really wonder how anyone could see anything in these dim blue lights, hear what their date says in this ear splitting music, gulp down drinks that are equivalent to the monthly salary of almost 26% people of this country and the most important of them all…. How can someone find some smoke-free oxygen to breathe?? But none the less, I’m here right now, because it is Nikhil’s bachelor party, and me being the roomie, now ex-roomie, actually, (he’s moving in with his wife after his wedding, obviously!) I didn’t have too much of an option to skip this one holy waste of time and resources. I’ve never been the partying and dancing types. I love listening to music, but only the one which plays at a decibel level conducive to my ear drums… the one playlist on my iPod, with 734 songs, suits me just fine. Free drinks, are always welcome, so is bird watching, this is my reason for being at this God forsaken place! Yeah, I’m happy for Nikhil too!


I don’t dance, not even if I’m dragged into a dancing circle, hence to escape the dancing ritual, I decided to sit by the bar and observe the proceedings. I was sipping my Bloody Mary, when this young woman caught my attention. She looked intelligent. Ok pretty types, not very hot… I say that because unless other dames at this disc, she was completely covered… no, she wasn’t in a burqa, not even in a saree, but she had worn a pair of denims and a half sleeve tunic on top (My fashion sense comes from my fashion designer sis, by the way!) No cleavage show… I don’t know why, but I liked the no-cleavage-show in her. She like me, too, seemed out of place, maybe because she was drunk!


“Where the fuck is my margarita I ordered??” She questioned the bartender who seemed like he wanted to enter the Guinness Book of Records for all his fire antics... I’d rather have him serve drinks than indulge in all this scary fire show. Yeah, I’m scared of fire. Terribly.
“M'am, is there anyone you’re here with? You seem a little high” I said, I didn’t want to say, “Dude, you’re drunk… ask you friends to take you home before you throw up!” I would’ve said this had this M’am been a man!
“Who the hell are you to tell me what to ddooo??” She said, and while coming towards me, she tripped. At least 4 drinks more than her normal capacity. Why can’t people just drink Pepsi when margaritas don’t suit them? Of course, like the gentleman that I am, I went forward to help her get back on her feet. I asked the bartender, who by now had thankfully stopped his fire-show, for a virgin margarita… or something that looks like a margarita but doesn’t have alcohol for her.
“Ssank You” she said, or rather, tried to say, or still rather, I attempted to comprehend from her blurred speech.
“Hi, I’m Arjun, can you tell me where your friends are, now that you got your margarita you ordered?”
“I don’t have friends… I don’t have no one… “
“Err, M’am, are you alone?” And drinking?? Man! Women in this city are brave! Getting drunk when they’re alone! I’d kill my sister even if she as much as looks at vodka, leave alone letting her go to a disc…and get drunk…that too ALONE!
“ Hey dude, did you see her with someone?” I asked the philo-fire bartender. He replied in the negative and went back to his fire show. Why?!
“You know, Navya, I hate that son of a bitch, you were always right…. He never ssseserved me….”
“Served you?” I asked her. So Break up it was. Why do people get into a relationship if they can’t deal with a break up, I thought to myself.
“Sssseserved….not serrrvedd…Navya you gone deaf or what?” I comprehended from her blurred speech.
“M’am, I’m not Navya… but if you tell me where she is, I can call her for you…”
“Err.. who’re you then? You don’t look like Anirved…err… no… you’re Anirved…. Anirved… Where’s Navya?”
Drunk women and nagging girlfriends…. They never listen to you. Or no, make that women in general.
“What’s your name?” I asked her, not really expecting anything more than Navya and Anirved!
“Aanaaaaa…..” she replied.
“Aana” What kind of parents name their kids Aana??
“A-H-A-A-N-A” She spelt it out. It is amazing how people remember their names even in drunken stupor!!
“Ok, Ahaana, can I drop you somewhere, you really don’t seem ok”
“No, I’m fineeeee” And there she tripped again!! If my sister does something like this, I don’t know whom I’d kill first… her guy or her!
“Listen, Ahaana, I’ll ask your friends to come and pick you up. It’s not really safe for you to be here, like this.” I picked her bag and her phone and put her hand on my shoulders and led her to my car. The worst part of being nice to a girl, when you’re a guy is that everyone thinks you’re trying to take advantage of her and the situation. I mean give us some credibility, there are some of us, who’re really not like the big bad wolf to a poor little lamb. Even we have sisters and friends and we act with other women how we’d like other men to act with our women! How difficult is that to get. Needless to say, I got a lot of ‘stares’ from people like I had spiked her drink and now I’m gonna rape her!


She wasn’t really heavy… you can call her underweight for her height, or maybe she was starving herself because of her ‘son-of-a-bitch’ guy. But then, that’s none of my business. All I wanted to make sure was that this girl reaches some place safe quickly. I was glad that none of my friends saw me exiting the club with a girl, drunk at that! I walked her to the parking lot, that’s where  my car was and helped her sit in the back seat. I was happy that I didn’t have to carry her and that she didn’t throw up. Men can’t stand women when they cry, are in labor or are throwing up!! I fished her handbag, which was quite a small thing, didn’t really have the ‘girlie’ materials in it… just her wallet, cell and a hairbrush! No make up! That really confirms my idea about her being of the intellectual types…. !! I checked her last dialed list and without any surprise, I found Navya’a number as the most dialed number, closely followed by Anirved’s. Thought of calling Navya. Didn’t want another guy asking me what I’m doing with his drunken friend! Guys, I tell you!
“Hello…”
“Babessss…. Ahaana… who’s on your phone?” Navya replied, shocked at a guy speaking to her from her friend’s phone at 2 am!
“Err, Navya, right? Hi, I’m Arjun… I happen to be at the same place where your friend is right now, and she’s quite drunk…”
“DRUNK!! Where is she??” Why don’t women let men complete their sentences? Wouldn’t it be much easier for them to get things at a stretch?
“She’s at Poison… and apparently alone, I couldn’t see anyone with her…and she was kind of talking to me, thinking that it was you… so I thought, I’d call you to pick her up… or I can drop her to your place if you can’t get out at this hour…”
“Fuck! What the hell is this girl upto. I’m killing Anay…. Bloody son of a bitch…”
“Excuse me??” I was puzzled! Was she drunk as well?
“Err…. Ssorry, I was talking to my husband. I’ll come and pick her up… that’s so nice of you to be there.. You know… thanks a ton… where exactly are you?”
“In Poison’s parking lot… in a black Swift…. The number is 6798.” How long would you take?”
“I’m just leaving… I’ll be there in like 20 minutes. Thank you so much.!!”
“Err… that’s nothing, please don’t thank me.”


A red Skoda stopped near my car. And a girl, same as Ahaana’s age come out of the car.
“Hi.. Err.. Arjun?” She asked.
“Yeah, Arjun…” I gave my hand to shake. Her husband, too came out of the car and I was introduced to him.
“Arjun, my husband, Anirved…”
“Hi.”
“Hello… Thanks a lot, man! This really was a very sweet gesture!”
“Please. It’s nothing…. Ahaana kind of feel asleep..she’s in the back seat”
“Oh ok.. I’ll take her.” I opened the door for Anirved and he carried Ahaana in his arms and put her in his car’s back seat and came to where we were standing.
“Thank you so much, Arjun. I really can’t imagine what would’ve happened had you not been there. I mean she never told us where she’s heading, you know. We were so worried about her, she’s just a little… you know… bad time..!” Navya said.
“I understand….she wasn’t exactly quiet in her sleep… she talks a lot!!”
“How much did she drink??” Anirved asked.
“I don’t know… I saw her when she was already drunk and tripping…but must be 4 drinks more than her normal capacity for sure!”
“She drank for the first time!” Navya added. Then turning to her husband, she said, “ I’m telling you… Anay really needs to see this… what has he done to her… I mean Ahaana goes out alone at night… she drinks…gets sloshed…this is not her… I can’t see her like this…. That bloody asshole…jackass…uurrgghhhh”
“Control, Navya… she’ll be fine tomorrow”. He said, placing his hand around her shoulder to calm her.
“Arjun, thanks once again, seriously…” Anirved said
“Come on man… it’s ok… even I have friends and sisters… I just did for her what I’d do for them…It’s no big deal, seriously…”
“That’s again, sweet of you. Thanks… Good night. I’ll have Ahaana talk to you tomorrow.” Navya said, waving a bye and opening the door of her car.



“Just look at her, Anirved…. Look what’s she done to herself, and you are asking me to control myself? What’s with today’s guys? Why has your blood stopped boiling for people who matter?”
“Navya, my blood will always boil for Ahaana, and even you know that, but why make a scene in front of a total stranger? We’ll talk to Ahaana tomorrow, maybe it was a weak moment today and she drank a little”
“Maybe you’re right. I’ll just check her phone if she called Anay in her stupor. I can’t find her phone….”
“Navya, your phone’s ringing”
“Hello, Oh Arjun, yeah I just realized it… I’ll have Ahaana pick it up tomorrow… yeah, thanks again! You’re just being humble, Arjun. Good night to you as well”.
“What happened?”
“Such a nice chap, this Arjun guy. Her phone is in his car and her bag too. I think I’ll ask Ahaana to pick it up from him. She’ll get a chance to thank him as well.”
“Yeah, nice guy”
“You know, Ahaana said, that Anay always told her that a girl should always be with a guy who’d keep his hands off her when she’s drunk…..”
“God! Now, even you’ve started talking about Anay! Ahaana in these 6 years wasn’t enough?”
“No, but tell me no, how’s this Arjun guy… I mean a guy review of another guy?”
“Pretty decent man. Really, to inform us that Ahaana is drunk and then make sure she’s safe and keep waiting for us…I mean… it speaks of a person’s character….!”
“You think he’d be single…”
“Thinking of marrying again?”
“For Ahaana…”
“Let her decide that”
“We all know how her choices turn out to be…Anay…. Close your ears… I want to abuse in Hindi…”
*                                                *                                                     *

29 comments:

manalee said...

helerious is th word!!!...
this story deserves evry bit of the minute second u spend on it...lovely...keep writing...i liked the charecter skecting..its awesome...

!!!

Aanchal said...

lisen yaar.. think the nice guy deserves the name ANAY..change it na plz...Arjun shud be Anay..Anay is a very charming name

Nupur said...

@ Manalee: Thanks!! U keep me gng!

Chronicwriter said...

i kept on reading and it was captivating

www.chronicwriter.com

arshat.chaudhary said...

oh.. well done.. Its difficult writing from a guys point of view for a girl.. but u did a good job! :)

Nupur said...

@ Aanchal: Even I love the name.... but I like Arjun better for the nice guy... btw, ull read ahead tht anay is not exactly a 'bad guy'.

Nupur said...

@ Chriz: Thanks...!!

Nupur said...

@ arhsat: Oh yeah.. It was an experiment.... im glad it worked out and didnt look 'girlie'!!

ankit said...

r u writin a novel or a collection of short stories??????

da story is gud but it seems more like a film's screenplay......nt a story....

ur writin style is gud bt da prob is u mix up da character....i mean arjun's point of view dnt alwys suit a guy......plus coz u didnt mention it earlier i 1st thgt dat da character is a gal......

his fire phobia is also a bit 2 much........more over da philo -fire n stuff is nt required......i mean whn u write sentences of a guys thgt u dnt write complicatd sentences.....plus though howevr gud a guy mayb he will lawys analyze a gal 4m head to toe.....

also though he mgt nt do nythn he mgt think of all da things he cn do wit a drunk gal n den feel proud he has high morals n he doesnt harm a gal.....u cn include more stuff like a guy wnt drink a margarita.......give him a beer atlest......guys normally take complete hard drinks or only soft drinks....rarely do dey take cocktails.....moreovr whn it is an on da house party, den nrmally drink 2 their capacity.....

der cn b a few more changes!!!!!

m sry 4 being harsh!!!!!!!!!!m xtrmly xtrmly sry 4 such comments but u knw i will alwys give u a frank opinion.......

Nupur said...

@ Ankit: Wow!! THanks!!! I so love you for this comment!! I wanted someone to rip the story and tell me where exactly im going wrong. Now i kno...
firstly, when i was writin this (its a story...it'll continue!), i thot of it as a running movie, so maybe that's why it seems like a screenplay!

Secondly, the reason for this scare for fire comes later in the story. It's der for a reason. Thats why i overdid it!

Thirdly,when i was reading it today, i realised tht ppl might get confused abt the gender of the narrator! But then id already posted the post, and the 3 ppl who proof read it, gav me thumbs up so i dnt really bother1! Then, I know, im writing from a guys point of view, so i hav to think like a guy... i tried my best... but writing abt a guy checking out a girl... really dsnt come to me... id rather feel that atleast there'd be one guy on earth who wudnt check out a girl (and straight at the same time)
I completely forgt beer!! I'll change it to beer.... anyways guys cant think beyond beer..!! But beer is yuck...so i dnt mention it... but again then, beer is yuck to me...not to guys!

what r the few more changes .... id really like to make them.. next time, ill send a copy for u to proof read too... can u believe all this guy part missed ajay's eyes?!?!?

comfortably numb said...

this is quite good...bring on the second chapter...quickly:)

Nupur said...

@ Numb: Yeah, i'll try!!

Sharad Sharma said...

this story had my total attention for 3/4th of its length almost..which is good I think

good start.. hope to the read the following part soon.

Oh and yes,you did a great job of visualizing a stage from a man's viewpoint and the digs at women were funny indeed

Cheers,
Sharad
Medley

Nupur said...

@ Sharad: Thanks!

Rajarshi Mukherji said...

too dramatic... and guessable. i mean no twists... all in all nice post.

Nupur said...

@ Rajarshi: Oh.... no twists??? I'll try coming up with that in the 2nd chapter...

Karthik said...

sahi hain.... worth reading

Nupur said...

@ Karthik: Thanks!

Arslan said...

Maybe a plot-hole: Arjun was there in a party, right. So he must've had a lot of friends there. Why didn't he ever talk to anyone else, or ask someone if they knew this girl or stuff? It comes across as if he too was alone there, which he wasn't.

And the guy is slightly girly, you know. The 'don't like too loud music, scared of fire (guy's aren't 'scared', they 'fear'! :P), drinking bloody mary's, and some elements of his though process aren't strongly male..

There're are some great lines, thoughts and touches too.. So, Kudos for that.. You especially nailed that 'Ok pretty types, not very hot..' line! :D

Waiting for Chap 2.. :)

Rajarshi Mukherji said...

@nupur.. read my blog for a change... and tell me how are my twists

Nupur said...

@ Arslan: It was a guy's bachelor party...so its kinda assumed that the guests wudnt have come wid a lady frnd..so i just let that be.. btw, arjun did ask the bartender..bse she was always by the bar..

about the guy being slightly girlie...err, well, that;s what even my frnd told me.. so i'll take care about that next time.. gotta make a lotta guys proof read the guy parts for me!!

And yeah, i seriously feel like slapping myself for having forgotten BEER!!!

To be honest, the line you mentioned.. i didn't find anything in it..or maybe its a guy thing or somethng...!!!

Nupur said...

@ Rajarshi: I did read one of your stories... it was pretty good, the twist in it... but then here, in my story, it's just a chapter, the entire story is really big! So i can't have a twist in every chapter.... there r twists in the story for sure though.

Rajarshi Mukherji said...

@nupur ok cant wait..

mk said...

a nice story at its prime...you write using simple words..easily understandable..surely will be a hit!!!..keep penning!

Nupur said...

@ Mk: Thnks!!

Mohammed Musthafa said...

hey....came across ur blog thru Pak Spectator...this story's really interesting...i mean, held my attention till the end...have u written a second part? wud luv to read it...one thing....wud it be possible for u to edit the writing...so tht there's no ...between the dialogues?

Nupur said...

@ Mohammed: Hey thanks... Could you rephrase the editing thing..I didn't quite catch it!

Mohammed Musthafa said...

well...wht i meant was...write the dialogues with proper punctuations, like they do in real books. Instead of, "hey...who r u? am i drunk??"

it cud be: "Hey, who are you? Am I drunk?"

i mean, its nothing great. jus makes the feel of reading better....

btw...cud u check this post out and lemme knw wht u think....

http://www.laptopdiary.blogspot.com/2008/11/julius-caesar-15.html

Nupur said...

@ Mohammed: Oh ok... I'll keep that in mind! Thanks!