Disclaimer: This post was written in an utter state of exasperation.... while I was sitting on the roof of my 5th floor terrace, with a knife on my right side, cyanide tablets on my left and a rope around my neck...so please pardon me for the ensuing post. It was before I felt the endorphin rush(in one of my earlier post I had mentioned serotonin as a feel good hormone, but some amount of laziness shedding and googling yielded that its endorphin release that makes you feel good and not serotonin...sorry for misguiding) This post bears no resemblance to living or dead or brain dead( which most of us are)
24 hours... 24 hours in a day.... 86400 seconds in a day.... everybody has the same amount of time, but I wonder where does all of it go when you actually need just 5 minutes of patient listening from someone? Is that asking for too much? 5 minutes... well maybe, our's is such a fast paced life... after all.
There are times when you genuinely don't feel like talking, presumably because there's not much to talk about... but still, people aren't patient enough to understand the lack of a "reason" for this sudden maunvrat. There are so many thought processes going on in one's mind and the person doesn't wish to talk because of/about them, not because the person's world has turned upside down and he/she is on the verge of a nervous breakdown that's causing the silence, just because the person just wants some inner peace of mind. Well, sometimes, silence, indeed is golden, even for a blabbermouth me. (No offences meant, to whomsoever)
3 years and everyone around me is losing patience... and for this in a way I don't blame them... it was very juvenile of me not to let go of certain things and keep harping upon it on every opportunity. But then, in the other way that I may blame them is without a bit of patience from them its really difficult to give up something that borders on obsession, if I may call it, though its as hard as a chappati made by me a term,( 'obsession' that is.) I will be indebted to all the people who've stood behind me, with me, ahead of me, besides me till death for doing so.... just give me a li'l more amount of patience and time... I'll be a different ME. (I won't stop talking and making you read my blogs at gunpoint though, if that's what you've assumed as the DIFFERENT ME change). I'm on my way to semi-nirvana, just some more time!
There's a point I want to prove to everyone yet no one... I, female, can drive... if not better than, then at least as good as my male counterparts. There's no sword hanging over my head to do so, neither am I the only one in my family who can drive.... but its the sense of independence that I can feel when I'm in front of the wheel that's making me want to desperately drive, and drive well at that. All I'm asking is for a bit of patience.... from everyone... I'm still learning... the car I drive is different from the one I drove in driving school... I need time to acclimatise.... I need patience, I need a you-can-do-it-its-just-a-matter-of-practise speech every time I'm unable to start the car from the second gear. After all I'm trying to master something that comes as naturally to girls as dressing up for an hour in front of the mirror comes to guys. The latter would require patience too na, for you to do it guys... and I'm not even talking about mastering the trait!!
Why is it that if you're in your graduation year and happen to go to a wedding (obviously decked up an all.... your mom won't allow it otherwise... especially if you're one of the girl species who spends a total of just 5 nanoseconds in front of the mirror..like me) the only question you're asked is.... so when are the wedding bells gonna ring for you and you're next in line....by aunties who care about me as much as my kaamwali does about about Osama's whereabouts. I don't go around asking you, when are the death bells gonna ring for you or you're next in line... at a funeral! There's much more to do in life than just sit at home with a saas hovering over your head and you silently weeping at night about all the years slogging to get the coveted degrees that eventually became equivalent to the household raddi. There's much more to my life, for sure, all you aunties... please read this.
And while I'm at the topic of my "life", let me make it clear to everyone, the reason why I want to go out of Mumbai for my MBA.... For one, 20 years of my life, I've lived life according to what my family wanted me to .... good grades, quintessential daughter, a little less than perfect sister(!!)... but don't get me wrong... I am and will always be like this ... all I want to do is live life where I won't be told everyday do this or do that.... I'm lucky to have parents who are so cool and understand and respect my need for space and privacy, and I don't want to sound too greedy by asking more, but it's just that I want to figure out where my 'nirvana' lies.... because for me life is not all about degrees too. I want to find about who the real 'me' is... I want to break free from the protected cocoon my parents have so carefully and lovingly woven for me, for life is not like that. I want to experience and learn life first hand, the heartbreaks, bitching, double crossing, backstabbing....everything included. I want to be strong on my own. I want to be self made just like my Dad. I want people to come upto to parents and say 'Like father, like daughter'. I want to make the proud. My parents have taught me to fly, now I want them to push me off the cliff to ensure that I practice what I learnt, just like the sparrow family. And I know, that my parents will also agree on this one that they can trust me that I can never wrong them or put their head down in shame in any respect, due to my living-my-life-by-my-terms.
For two, I don't know what future holds for me... when I may get married, to whom, if he's the one I've always wanted and consoled myself with getting him one day, I don't know who he is. After marriage to a large extent what I'd do would be just a reflection of what he wants me to do, in a way, this might be the case, I don't know this would be it ,though. But then when I'm 60 and retrospecting on life, I don't want to think that first 25 years I lived according to my family and the next 25 years according to my second family and then wonder over the question when in these 60 years did I live for MYSELF, like I wanted to live, on my terms, by my rules, by my convictions? I totally agree with Geet from Jab We Met when she said, " Meri zindagi jaise hain, main jaanti hoon ki mere wajah se hain, kal uthke main kisiko blame nahi karna chahti ki jee tumhare wajah se meri zindagi barbaad ho gayi".
I frankly don't know what interpretation you're gonna have of this post, and I'll tell you very brazenly, I don't even care what anyone thinks, I know what I'm doing, I know what I want and I know for sure that the people who matter to me today... Mom, Dad, Niyati, Rads, Rao, Neha, Jay, Aanch, Hets and Mansh are gonna be the people I'd come back to, at the end of the day, just like how the baby sparrow returns the nest in the evening after exploring the world on its own. Just gimme a bit of patience folks, just a bit of patience.