August 15, 2008

Where's the Real ME??

Trust me, I really feel that Hamlet must've been a Libran! For no one apart from Librans can be as indecisive and confused in life. My friends would agree on this one, of course due to the 'WHAT??' expression on my face, every time something happens!! How have I become so indecisive in life is something I really don't know... I never was in the earlier part of my life. Indecisive, emotionally dependent on people, always needing a Yes-go-ahead-whatever-you're-doing-is-right speech from my 'circle of best friends' , ready to cry at the drop of the hat, very gullible.. how!?! What have I become??

I was speaking to one of my school friends after a really long time.... and one observation she marked in me sent me into my now world famous thinking bouts. She said: What's wrong with you dame.... where's the firebrand Phoolan Devi of yore?? Where's the spark, the chutzpah, the Don't-mess-with-me-or-I'll-kick-you-where-it-hurts-the-most attitude gone?? And what's with the tears girl?? Nupur's lost somewhere... Go find her...

Actually.... where has the Nupur gone...?? I never was like how I'm today... people are getting 440 volts ka jhatka every time they hear me....looking at the person I've become today.... I was never so confused in life...always made decisions in split seconds, even if they were about which clothes to shop for.... that is when I went shopping.... an event which was as frequent as a Hailey's Comet spotting. Now, that's changed too... I beg Mom to take me shopping.... and give my I'm-confused-what-to-buy looks. My Mom's relieved though.... you're finally showing some girl like traits, she says!! And she's relieved for one more thing....my love for cricket has subsided!!! But that's just until Irfan's out of the team...!!

I don't give it back to people these days. Every one's at their liberty to come and say whatever they please to me, and I assure you, I'll listen to it without any hint of protest or retorting back with my sarcasms, which actually marked my identity once upon a time.... Just yesterday I had another friend who said: Why don't you just tell the person who hurt you, what she did...
But I won't listen... Am on my "Tulsi Mission" na... of seeing this world as a better place and making every one's life worth living apart from mine!!

At Hetvi's party (read the next post for more on it!!) Aanchal remarked: "Nupur don't lose yourself to be one amongst others.... This is not the Nupur I know". Now it was just a casual comment, but it summed up pretty much everything.... the person who has the capability of reading my silence marked a change in me .... There must be something..... I know there's something... I always wanted to TRY things in life..... I tried them and saw what a disaster I made of myself and how I successfully screwed up somebody else's freedom on Independence Day... Maybe I'm not meant for them... Maybe I'm suited to be just a sweet, docile, typically Indian (read: shy, parents and God fearing, sundar ,susheel etc etc)girl. And I've realised I'm the best when I'm like that... I'm loved like this and I'll always stay like this.... the bold, don't-care-about-anyone girl is not me....I'll never go anywhere near that... I promise... I've learnt a lesson, and will remember it even after I get Alzheimer's....
Aanch, in the next party, you'll have company.... we'll get high on coke...don't worry!!!

And for the first time without consulting my 'circle of best friends' for advice, I've made a decision for myself.... I'm going to go back to my old days.... the days when I never cried for anyone, when I answered back people,when I wasn't emotionally dependent on others, when I made myown decisions, when no one dared mess with me, when I had a different spark to me, a different live wire personality.... I'm going to my old days..... After all, one of the people from my "circle of best friends" did say: It's your life... it's YOUR WISH..... (Who said only love hurts.... indifference hurts more than love, more so when it's indifference from your love !!!)

4 comments:

Aanchal said...

...the comment wsnt casual..it ws waiting in the wings for the ryt moment since a month..in ne case...WELCOME BACK!

Surya, the Ayrus! said...

hey a lot of changes and pulling up socks in life eh nupur.. i like these turbulences in your life..they come , go and set some many things upset, and so many things right as well...right?

Nupur said...

@Aanchal: Glad to see me back??? You better be!!

Nupur said...

@Surya: Long time!! Yeah they set many wrongs right.... it's just patience that'll help u sail thro!!